Did not realize the horrors and the pain suffered from this horrible pandemic on a personal level. How debilitating trying to be brave and upbeat in the midst of it all – because what point does it make to be frightened, spread horror and disinformation. I guess, in my own way, was trying to be a role model. One gets to try on that role when one ages and has tried very hard to serve in that capacity – particularly when I have not had children. I shall actually reveal an example of my doing so many, many years ago. The woman found me, expressed that I made a difference in her life and praised me. But she disappeared, did not have the time or energy to stay in contact. I shall not reveal her name and thus protect her identity as I said I would. But it is my story – not just yours, my dear, your subequent disregard of me was cruel You said you had a choice – me your your natural mother – you chose to follow in Alexis’ footsteps. Obviously you did not – I do not let people down and, almost compulsively, attended schools of higher education , you did neither.
She followed a Guru at one point in life, lived in an ashram. Is spiritual in a way. How fascinating in that I have become a Muslim, but I am not following in her footsteps – a different form of faith – not subservience. Convinced that ‘her’ Guru was not a Muslim but he was rather forgettable in the long run. Although she does know of this blog, and requested total anonymity is highly unlikely that she will read this. Most unlikely. She lives in New York – or did so last time I heard from her. I live in Marin – where I met her, lived with she and her father (at my invitation) and, as I recall, paid all or part of education costs at Marin Catholic High School, where she could, and did survive and do well. Not Terra Linda High School where they would have swallowed her whole.
The photograph that will accompany this blog is one of my home. The poster image, taken my me foreshadows a painting of a woman – painting purchased in France, I do believe. It is eerily similar and strange how it was hung. Thank you so much Personal Driver for the hanging – it was my idea without realizing it. First the painting in the bedroom but then, when pain from the rejection lessened and the possibility of having the picture proved not too powerful – the one over the door was there. Looked at it suddenly and realized its implications. It was a WOW. Also found, in the midst of unpacking long ago memorabilia – notes from that time. Including a thank you note from her father and others, including her.
It so complicated to explain but because of my search relating to this woman (previous girl). I found the recent obituary dedicated to Dr. Jampolsky – a true Marin hero, a psychiatrist. The obituary spoke of this interview with Oprah
Dr. Jampolsky said, “If we hold onto grievances we will never really be happy. It’s really a willingness to see the person in the light of love rather than the action that happened … it means letting go of the past we thought we wanted.”
Winfrey said it helped her realize that forgiveness is accepting that trauma has happened, not that it’s OK that it happened.
“Forgiveness is giving up the hope, not holding on or wishing, that the past could be any other way than it actually was,” she said It is so, ao true! I try not to hold onto grievances but Winfrey is so, so right and is something that is core to my bravery. The trauma imposed by my family and a cult happened, but it is not Ok.nI have given up the hope that the past could be any way than it was
But one does confront the pain it caused and speak of it. I am speaking of the pain caused by woman who I only cared for and supported. I am not a victim and shall never be so.
There is a new young woman in my life. You shall hear about her in subsequent blogs. She is 17 with ambitions, ones I will assist her with. One can master previous trauma – I have!! Goodbye 57 year old woman, you have been replaced! Not so, If you would have followed through I would be there for you made a special trip to New York thinking that this was a last chance for several years as a move back to London was being considered. But then nothing – only desultory and rare responses in email and then nothing. I was London bound. But you got lazy or tired or uncaring. Those are not traits that I modelled..
Do think that one of the mantras of my life is this: If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade is a proverbial phrase used to encourage optimism and a positive can-do attitude in the face of adversity or misfortune. Lemons suggest sourness or difficulty in life; making lemonade is turning them into something positive or desirable.” The phrase was initially coined by Christian anarchist writer Elbert Hubbard in a 1915 obituary he penned and published for dwarf actor Marshall Pinckney Wilder. The obituary, entitled The King of Jesters, praises Wilder’s optimistic attitude and achievements in the face of his disabilities:He was a walking refutation of that dogmatic statement, Mens sana in corpore sano. His was a sound mind in an unsound body. He proved the eternal paradox of things. He cashed in on his disabilities. He picked up the lemons that Fate had sent him and started a lemonade-stand.”Although the expression was coined by Hubbard, many modern authors attribute the expression to Dale Carnegie who used it in his 1948 book How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. Carnegie’s version reads:”If You Have a Lemon, Make a Lemonade.”
This is an example. Yesterday was my teeth cleaning appointment day – slightly complicated as PDIHS, my escort, had an important Uni interview at one so timing was crucial.
Jumped from the car (early for the appointment by the way).
Me: Do not feel sorry for me, teeth cleaning not fun but I get nitrous oxide (commonly known as laughing gas).
He: (shaking his head) Alexis you do not need laughing gas! Hahaha
The office was running behind schedule so anxiety set it about PDIHS’ appointment, then some delay about equipment – next more bad news walked in, speaking to me, captive in the dental chair.
She: I have some bad news! The nitrous machine is broken and will not be fixed until tomorrow.
Me: That is it! Things are not working out! Lets do this – we shall reschedule my teeth cleaning appointment.
She: Good idea! We can squeeze you in next week at the end of the day and Dr. K. Will be there that day so that you can visit.
Me: That makes me happy, happy happy!
So I called my escort and we sped off, he was on time for his appointment, with time to spare. Back to Andy’s for lunch – sat on the patio with my healthy vegetarian sandwich and had two surprises. Spoke to a wonderful young man who goes to a nearby school, his friend joined him and we made promises to see one another some time to chat and I will show him what one gets for their rent.
Then another glorious, absolutely glorious surprise. A father with his two young daughters. They were absolutely darling and we had such a grand time with one another. The eldest goes to nearby Neil Cummings (did Special Ed.hearings there when working for County Counsel’s Office. Then this conversation took place.
Me: I live here – I am very lucky, I like this place.
She: What do you like?
Me: Well many things – one is the swimming pool just outside my door.
She: Really! Really really!
Me: Yes indeed! At the moment the pool is temporarily closed but soon it will be open.
She: Can I come and live with you?
Me: You will have to ask your parents but you can certainly come and visit.
She: Do you snore?
Me: I do not know.
Her father: She does not know because she is asleep.
Me: Your father is correct and I do sleep alone.
So we exchanged information, planning on a future visit. It was so very much fun and much laughter took place. I was dressed in my fake fur coat – the one that cost twenty pounds at a car boot sale in London.
She: I love your coat it is so soft.
Me: It is soft and warm and so inexpensive. I also have the softest skin – so strange, touch my arm.
She: It is.
Me: It is inherited. My mother and my aunt had skin like this – sort of like silky velvet.
So my life is most full and fun with expectations for the future.
Two different photographs from the past. One is picture of Alexis found amongst my ‘buried treasure’. It is me – taken about 25 years ago – I look the same, except my hair is white. Husband #3 must have taken the picture – we were in France on vacation. One could say the guy gave me white hair (is is now dead). The framed poster is of the former ‘girl’ spoken about early in this blog. I took the photo, it formed the basis of an ‘advertisement’ urging parents to apply to be a Foster Parent that was circulated by Marin County. This note from the organizer of the ‘drive’
Alexis Congratulations You’re famous! Please save the negative because we want to use the same picture on 5,000 copies of the brochure. Thanks, Chuck. The note from the father is dated 2/25/77. “Alexis, You have added another dimension to C’s live. She is basking in the sunlight of positive attention. Your picots have been praised by everyone that sees them. Thank you again. D. D. Is dead too, lived with him without the benefit of clergy (as they say) for about seven years, left him in 1985.
But one thing remains the same, Chuck’s statement: “Alexis, You’re famous!” Before a photograph, today a blog. Hahahaha