Sometimes I do not understand my psyche, I have taken to waking up sad – full of dread and emptiness. There is no reason for this. Things are going so well. I learned that I was chosen to be a Tour Liaison with Vancouver Art Gallery, a position i coveted. My Wednesday afternoons will be spent at a place I cherish with many acquaintances I enjoy. I will be part of something and will be ‘giving back’ in a small way.
Yesterday I signed a will and, even more importantly a health care directive. Both give me piece of mind as I will be leaving some of my estate to the Vancouver Symphony. I do not dread death, cured of that by the September 13, 2014 near death experience. (read About Me in the home menu). I dread living in a vegetative state – the health care directive will prevent that and the decision will be made by a dear friend whose judgment I value. There are people in my life who care. I wrote to one the other morning explaining my woe and received this heart felt reply: “Just remember that you are a very precious commodity , full of vim and extraordinary abilities. yes, sometimes, there will be longueurs but in general you have a great deal going for you . Bright, attractive and full of intelligence and knowledge.So, enjoy your life .be happy, and just as you are.” I did rise to the occasion and replied:
Me:MY God you are bloody brilliant – I just looked up longueurs. – it was a word I did not know. Me of all people – hahahahaha So I feel better, I see I am posted. My bank lost 5 thousand dollars and I have got to trace it but I have a new word. Were you always this great??? Me.
So what do I want? What am I missing? i wake up alone but know from a series of bad marriages that waking up with someone can be worse, far worse. Usually when I emerge from my precious apartment and go out in public life becomes different and not only do I cheer myself up but I cheer others. But in these moments I do not believe such could ever be possible. I have worked so hard to overcome this sadness but it is always with me. So there!
(and only one).