Today I laughingly wrote to Computer Guru Chris sending off the blog. He responded;
He: Oh sorry yes, agoraphobia.. that’s it.. outside is often overrated anyway .. especially in the winter, we’ve just got a puppy so we are adjusting to having a fur baby around the house.. hope you’re well !
Me: Most well! Came out, as they say. Of the room, not the closet. Hahaha. I am having the weirdest day of my life. I would tell you but it defies belief. Sorry about the dog – I hate dogs and Christmas and kids. All of them too expensive and take up too much time. I suppose one could say the same for husbands. My ’suitors’ usually have a lot of money – as well you know.
But think that they would take up even more time – even with the help that would accompany the marriage.
Just for the record, I do not actually hate children. Misbehaved ones are most unruly and difficult to be around, but that is their parent’s fault, not the children’s. I find dogs unnecessary and do have dog phobia. But I profoundly hate Christmas.
But back to yesterday. While venturing the hallways on my first day out, I came upon the spa, been there before and loved it. They joined the throngs that had missed me. I cleverly made an appointment for a massage, try bathing suit in hand for a wondrous jacuzzi afterwards. It was a blessed time, enjoyed by all, including the staff. No one else was there, it is dead week here, awaiting the onslaught of kids and parents when Christmas vacations will begin. The entire place outrageously crowded until after the New Year (apparently). Many staff taking days off as there is no one here to service – well except for me. The massage so needed, given with so much care. And attention. My back and knee were in bad shape because I have been in bed writing for days. The tension in my neck and shoulder was intense, did not realize it until it went away. Then afterwards I was utterly spoiled by a woman from the Philippines whose nickname shall be Dietrich – she just laughed when I told her why. She led me around, provided me with water, turned on the shower, blow dried my hair. I want to take her home with me. Her Supervisor, Mr. Marcos from Siberia had the day off so I could not ask him. (I met him, introduced by FAM) She wants to emigrate to the USA
Me: Do not go there! Go to Canada. They want you, they need you, they appreciate you. There is health insurance and you soon can become a citizen.
I have become an advocate for Citizenship in Canada. There are many people looking for a country where they can obtain citizenship and bring their families – not possible in the UAE. I intend to assist them but first must get my own life in order. First things first. One has to care for themselves first and then with energy and stability reach out. Most women do not understand that concept.
Something strange happened at the conclusion of the wondrous massage. I had a personal epiphany. A saying came to mind, one remembered from long ago, perhaps forty years ago.
I can’t go on.
You must go on.
I will go on.
An epiphany is a moment of sudden revelation or insight. The remembered words are from Samuel Beckett, I refreshed my memory. Its meaning: “As we use it, is that a particular situation may seem unbearable, but that we will bear it by bearing it.” Another way to put it is this: “The underlying point is that what seems unbearable and what is unbearable are two different things. Someone else’s thoughts on the matter: “The meaning I take is “I cannot but I must”. It describes an internal conflict or dilemma where the only possible course of action is one which is extremely objectionable or difficult. There may be a conflict of morals/ethics and duty, fatalism towards the outcome of an important action, or some other conflict.”
When these words came to mind, I began to cry. My masseuse laughed, we were laughing a few minutes before, having a good time so I did understand and did not take offense. But did wonder, and still do, why these words came to mind and had such a profound effect. After much thought some conclusions have been reached. My life seems bearable, most bearable at the moment. Some relocation issues, many actually, but they are bearable and resolvable and I have found able assistance. Suppose I may have been, in a way, congratulating myself for going on. Because I DID go on! Goodbye Marin County – an utterly unbearable situation and now, Hello to a world in which I can negotiate, not suffer prejudice because I became a Muslim. But I was able to leave with no regrets – none whatsoever. There was nothing left to leave in the end, moving on and out caused no pain. But later more thoughts emerged – more obvious ones. I had just come out of seclusion which was undertaken because I could not go on. A cruel and insensitive Rixos staff member placed fear in my heart but I took a course of action that protected me and rendered him helpless. I was in my room, with paid reservations until the 10th. I nurtured myself in self isolation and emerged ready, able and willing to go on.
One reason that I am so happy is that I have met so many wonderful people. MUD has a changed nickname as she is young enough to be my Granddaughter so now she is MUGED. My Uganda Grand Exceptional Daughter. She loves her new nickname. We were texting as she was not at work. Texting about Christmas – this is how it went. Please remember that she is a Born Again Christian
She: Why u hate Christmas?
Me: First of all it is a lie. Jesus not born in Bethlehem and not at that time of year. It I is a pagan holiday actually – brought about by early Christians to comfort the folk. It takes the place of the pagan Winter Solstice – which signals the end of short days, cold, misery and heralds the beginning of better times. So someone made up a story about one hundred years after the time of Jesus’ death, with Joseph, the donkey, the no room at the inn. All of that stuff.
She: (Sent smiling and laughing emojis)
Me: Now done to keep the economy going. People impoverish themselves for Christmas giving which profits the rich.
Me: I am SO incredibly happy that you agree with me. Will go on blog with your permission.
I wrote today.
Me: Can I quote our conversation about Christmas on the blog. Will call you MUGED.
She: Ok its fine. Good afternoon my Grandma.
MUGED is a hard working young woman, brave enough to leave her country and her family, to work and to better herself. She has a soul, she thinks, she perseveres. She is most unlike those young women who dwell in Marin County. Most are spoiled and entitled. Not all, of course, not all.
Grandson is also a hard working young man, who was brave enough to leave his country and his family to work and better himself. He has a soul and compassion. He treats me with respect. Totally unlike a Marin County man who texted me (rounding out a weird day) offering me a portion of himself if I were in San Francisco. Even including a movie of the member. He refused to believe that I was in the Middle East and not interested in him or his disrespectful offer. He felt I should be complimented as I am old and he is younger.
He: Would you like to devour a man more than twice young age or younger? When are u coming back.
Me: I am not responding to you anymore. Show some respect. I am NEVER coming back.
It went on – it was sickening. I did not respond, nor shall I ever. Please understand that he was (probably is) a young handsome self-made man, born in Marin. He owned an elite coffee and scone place in an elite community in Marin by the name of Ross.which is his name. He most eligible, he was attracted to me in pre-Covid days, but understandably having a relationship with someone freaked him during those early days of the pandemic. But every once in awhile he approaches me, quite often actually. I always refuse him! It is certainly easy to say no now – he did not believe I was in the Middle East so I sent him a picture from my patio. It is easy to avoid and evade him as I am far away and surrounded by people who love respect and care about me. My faith forbids such an encounter so I am further protected. Perhaps he is young, handsome and is rather fatally attracted to me but it is forbidden. Of course it is forbidden.
Today, strangeness continued. There was a fire drill as warned two days before by written announcement. An alarm sounded, a voice over the loud speaker: “Get out”! I was the only person that seemed to respond. Exited downstairs as instructed to the great out of doors, to nearby restaurant patio. Had a glass of water, talked to the staff about my strange day. No announcement of the end of the drill so just went back up to my room. Tested Grandson.
Me: Fire drill was for me, I guess . It seemed I was the only one who participated. Now back in room. Weirdest morning of my life and that is saying something.
He: (Several laughing emoji)
Later, had a most engaging telephone conversation with an amazing Muslim woman met yesterday at the Rixos Restaurant. She is a Muslim, lives in Abu Dhabi and promises assistance with my transition to this area. Our conversation revealed our mutual love of education, learned that she went to graduate school in Glasgow, Scotland. How I loved Scotland, most particularly Glasgow. A couple of minutes ago chatted with a couple on an adjoining patio. They are from London – she born in London, he born in Glasgow. Such a small world this is – particularly when one ventures from the narrow confines imposed by sedentary and solitary lives.
I ‘subscribe’ to a newsletter emanating from the United States EAU embassy in Washington. There were number of stories reflecting upon the last fifty years. “To come over there and be accepted so warmly, by a culture that’s completely different, but very similar at the same time – I’ve never seen a place like it.” That was written by Steve Harvey. I am thankfully finding it to be so.
The photograph attached is the one sent to the Marin County guy to prove that I was indeed in the Middle East.