At this point in time I feel utterly and thoroughly exhausted! I think of the phrase: Burning the candle at both ends. Of course I must Google it, and do.
Burn one’s candle at both ends. (idiomatic) To work extremely or excessively hard; to work too hard for good health or peace of mind.
I then discovered that it was written by Edna St. Vincent Millay (who lived from 1892-1950) and it goes on to say:” My candle burns at both ends; It will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends— It gives a lovely light.”
It is perfect! It describes everything. People are constantly telling me that I give off light, but at what cost to me? It has occurred to me that, I get nothing back from most people not one thing. I am not wallowing in self pity because from a select few there is a lot given back. Given and given back. A major source of nourishment is Grandson, who is not my real grandson. You shall be hearing more about him in the days preceding his Las Vegas wedding. I am quite dependant upon him which lessens my dependance on others People who are not really capable of sustaining a relationship and being intimate. Guess what? Intimate shall become the word of the day: close friend, best friend, bosom friend, constant companion, alter ego, confidant, confidante, close associate; informal chum, pal, buddy, crony, sidekick, cully, spar, main man; British informal mate, mucker, china, oppo, butty, bezzie. Some people cannot be anyone’s chum, pal or buddy, much less their sidekick or main man. No amount of trying will make them so – I am prone to try, put in great effort and get disappointed. I express my gratitude to those close to me and thank them on a regular basis. But I have begun to differentiate seeing the others as parasites. Some do give back but with the expectation that everything has to be a bed of roses (with no thorns). Some do not give back because they are parsimonious, others because they are “too busy”. But the worse of the lot are those that do not give back because they are incapable. There is no hope for them, they are usually narcissists and/or trapped in a relationship with a narcissist.
But I sensibly realize that some of my exhaustion is due to my homeless state and the problems related to being in the public eye constantly. I yearn for my apartment which is on the horizon. But then laugh at myself as I will be in the apartment for about a week before leaving for Las Vegas. I have great plans – doing street photography. I have abandoned my photography for writing and it will be interesting to get back in the grove.
An appointment with my utterly fantastic new financial advisor was preceded by a ride in a taxi. A rude woman had pulled up in front of the Inn blocking access and ignored by gentle suggestion that she move her SUV a few feet forward.
She: I am just checking in. I will move it after I am checked in!
My taxi arrived and we had to back up and go to great inconvenience. I spoke to the taxi driver about rude people and he had a marvellous insight which he followed with a fantastic suggestion.
He: Rude people hate themselves. There rudeness places them in a hostile environment where they are comfortable and feel justified.
Me: That is so true! I had never thought of that before. Their world is consistent and predictable.
He: But there is a solution.
Me: Please tell me!
He: It came from a woman from the South – Southerners can be sweet but do not turn on them! Me: I laugh. I am from the North but that is me. Tell me about her solution.
He: Just look upon them and say: “God bless your heart!”
Me: Brilliant! Then you have not allowed them to contaminate your life with their negativity.
He: Yes! And then you just walk away.
Me: I cannot wait to try it.
Somehow, and for some strange reason I have not run into any rude people after learning this technique. But I know I will.
Soon I will leave the Inn to go to the storage facility and begin throwing out stuff. CPI labels such activity as possession purging. Purge another interesting word: Purge: removal, expulsion, ejection, exclusion, eviction, clearance, clear-out, discharge, dismissal, sacking, ousting, deposition, eradication, rooting out, weeding out; informal defenestration.
Of all of the words I enjoy defenestration that most. “I shall defenestrate you from my life” would be a far more dramatic way of saying: “I divorce thee, I divorce thee, I divorce thee.”
Oops I forgot. I am not married and it would be rather silly to get married just in order to say:
“I defenestrate you from my life!”. Well I guess it would be as good a reason as any.
The photograph is a self-prepared bacon sandwich. This conversation actually took place at the Breakfast Buffet: A woman, apparently some sort of health professional accosted me:
She: You need to eat green vegetable to control your cholesterol.
Me: Excuse me! I do not eat vegetables.
She: Then your cholesterol will be high.
Me: I have perfect cholesterol and my cholesterol panel reveals that I shall be long lived.
She: Who told you that? I am a health professional.
Me: My doctor of forty years who was privy to the laboratory results.
I guess I could have said: “I defenestrate you from my life!” Or in the alternative: “God bless your heart.”