So here in Vancouver it is Gay Pride Weekend which has been enlarged because it is a Civic Holiday. There are definitely wild and crazy times. How did I celebrate Gay Pride? I sent my dear gay friends an email thanking them for their friendship over the years. That is meaningful but drunken parades featuring scantily clad people – not so much. I avoided said parade like the plague. It doesn’t mean I am prejudiced towards gayness – much to the contrary. I just think it is phony and I am insisting on Straight Pride Weekend – goodness knows it is not easy being straight!. Ask any honest straight person with any sort of life at all.
I did text Sir Richard about the weekend.
Me: I suppose you are going somewhere exciting over this long weekend. Not me! Home in bed is my destination. Can’t wait. Already there actually.
He: Hahaha That’s a good way to spend a long weekend.
Me: Yeah!! And I have a head start! I may have to go for a booze run and hence have to get up and dressed. Where is a CaBana Boy when you really need one? No where in sight.
Me: I am funny.
So I did lie. I did not spend the entire weekend in bed. On Saturday it was off to VAG for a gilded tour of the visiting Milne exhibit – a truly wonderful event. It was so informative and I had never seen or heard of his art before. It was absolutely stunning and I shall be back to sit with the art, in the manner of the Tate Britain and the Levy Collection at VAG. Then on Sunday I stumbled out of bed and went to see my wonderful Vicky at Suki’s and she gave me the best haircut EVER. I recorded a video and put it on Instagram and with any luck it will be at the bottom of the post, But if not, then just go on Instagram where I am alexismctwit.
I quickly made my way home after the appointment, there were so many people crowding the sidewalks. I walked across Robson Square and this unbelievable thing happened. There was a group of men, women and children singing. They were dressed in clothes similar to ones worn by Amish or Mennonites. They were singing Amazing Grace. I about died and mouthed the words and wept as I ‘sang’. I cannot tell you how much I am in awe of that song. It makes me weep. Afterwards I spoke with the people, conveying my gratitude for them and offering to give them money – which they refused. I told them (but they already knew) that the song had been written by a man who transported slaves from Jamaica (I think) to so called Great Britain. But he found grace and wrote this amazing song. I do not really believe in God but it did seem that he was looking down and blessing us all. They handed out a pamphlet saying they are not a denomination but instead gave a website www.churchofgod.net.
Then I unceremoniously went to Dunn’s and had a hot dog. I love their hot dogs, they are on the children’s menu. I had it with potato salad served by my favorite waiter who is from Australia – Adelaide to be exact. While there I read emails from Wonder Alice who is going to law school in Melbourne. I am going there in the new year to get out of the rain that will be sure to fall for months on end here in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.
But I am mindful of my task – that being to cheer people up occasionally. I am aided in that task by my British friend David who just happens to be gay. He sent this hilarious email which was entitled: Why We Love Children. I will include some, not all and hopefully the video of my new hairdo. This is the truth, I was reading the email in bed and I started laughing so hard that I had to RUN to the bathroom otherwise I would have wet myself and the bed. All will be comforted to learn that I made it on time. PHEW. Crisis averted. Faithful readers will recall that once I was laughing so loud in the Lower Lobby of the Trump International Hotel that I did wet myself and had to hurriedly take the elevator to the 19th floor and change my clothes. Why was I laughing so hard? CCC was doing an imitation of me at the airport, slamming down my library card and telling them that they MUST accept it in lieu of my passport I guess you had to be there but it was SO funny. I did not do that by the way, but knowing me I could have.
1. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later…..’Da-ad….’
‘What?’
‘I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?’
‘No, You had your chance. Lights out.’
Five minutes later: ‘Da-aaaad…..’
‘WHAT?’
‘I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??’
‘I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to smack you!!’
Five minutes later……’Daaaa-aaaad…..’
‘WHAT!’
‘When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?’
2.. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him ‘How do you expect to get into Heaven?’
The boy thought it over and said, ‘Well, I’ll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!”
3. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, ‘Mummy, will you sleep with me
tonight?’
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
‘I can’t dear,’ she said. ‘I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.’
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
‘The big sissy.’
4. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children’s sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
down, the minister leaned over and said, ‘That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?’
The little girl replied, directly into the minister’s clip-on
microphone, ‘Yes, and my Mum says it’s a bitch to iron.’
5. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She said, ‘Mummy, you are getting fat!’
I replied, ‘Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her
tummy.’
‘I know,’ she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?’
6. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ‘…. and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!’
The teacher paused then asked the class, ‘And what do you think that
farmer said?’
One little girl raised her hand and said, ‘I think he said:
‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!”
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
7. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I’m Mr.
Sugarbrown’s daughter.’
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, ‘I’m Jane
Sugarbrown..’
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, ‘Aren’t you Mr.
Sugarbrown’s daughter?’
She replied, ‘I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.’
8. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father..
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
‘Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your muffin.’
She says, ‘Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.’
