To be perfectly clear I am not done with men in general, but done with what one would call a romantic interest in men. The decision came about three weeks ago – I had cleared the decks (so to speak) and for rid of all of the romantic entanglements. Most specifically three men:
1, A UK guy who I had an affair with for almost two years. He remains in the UK, I came to Canada a little more than a year ago. I last saw him in December 2017 on a visit to London, not specifically to see him but see him I did. Great sex, but very destructive emotionally to me. He is not married but has lived with the same woman for over forty years. I broke up with him many times but he would not really let me go. I once threatened him with a restraining order – that bad. But I figured, why bother if I go to Canada. But he was taking up a lot of space in my mind. He came to London on business but lived near Manchester so our relationship was sporadic (at best). Steve has been utterly gone for over a month.
2. Then I had a strange obsessional (largely email relationship) with a 37 year old multibillionaire. We never went to bed together, never even touched but were strangely obsessed with one another, exchanging something like 500 emails over a five month period of time. He questioned my integrity, believing a known liar over me. I told him: “Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.” He did not take it well – no one had said Boo to him his whole life – much less no. I cannot understand his appeal to me, it was not the money. I last saw him in August 2017 – contact severed last week in October. He was in Malaysia and had been there for a couple of months.
3, There was another man in London to whom I was intensely attracted to. We planned on having an affair but, for various reasons, did not. He was in my life the same duration of time as #1 – I met Dinham on May 1, 2016. He was 51 – had been married for about 21 years – had three grown children, not by second wife but by first. He said the most romantic things to me that anyone on earth has ever said – and I think meant them. I cannot recall when I saw him last. I did not see him when I was in London on 2017. He was SO funny and SO charismatic. I will blog my May 29,2016 birthday and you will laugh so hard at what he/me said and did.
But I said to myself about all three of them. I am done and I am not doing this anymore. No one person can be responsible for one’s happiness and relationships with men really have been distracting. I have always been attracted to the wrong kind of men. One of my old friends, a psychiatrist who has known me since I was 24 told me that I was always a man magnet and could have any man I wanted but always picked the wrong ones. He opined that they were threatened by me and tried to put me down. I would eventually catch on, give up and leave them. But then turn around and do it all again. I have had three husbands – the decision to divorce was mine in all cases. I am still in contact with #1 – I think #2 dead, #3 died at the end of March. #3 and I had been divorced for about eight years. I quite hated him but did an obituary found on the blog. Writing the obituary was total closure for both he and his family. The grace it took was liberating.
Prior to the momentous decision of not having men in my life a friend and I worked out a ???? (cannot think of the word). i should apply the formula when looking for a man. He should be:
C (Charismatic) H (Humorous) A (Available) S (Sexy, Smart) E. (Empathetic) D (Dependable).
So apply the formula CHASED – it the guy met the criteria great and good and give it a try. But if not – stay clear. Now I think it is a great idea and if I applied that criteria there would not be any of the men in my life that have habituated it. But do let us get real – I am 75, I do not want an older man (for sure) but question a younger one for many reasons. So i just intend to get on with my life which is interesting, involving and challenging but without a partner. I have many male friends, colleagues and professionals who grace my life. We have wonderful, close, caring relationships. I am blessed in that regard. But no dating and no romantic stuff. It just has not worked out for me. I am a realist finally.
So New Guy (aka BIM’s) response did capitative me. I explained that Husband #3 told me that I could not write and actively discouraged me. The UK guy’s response to my writing was tepid (at best) in the beginning but did develop some admiration later on. So maybe this New Guy was different and a flurry to emails, texts and telephone calls began. But I came to my senses. Bruce (friend since I was 19) spoke of the new relationship when I was in Edmonton on May 28, 2018. I announced my decision in an email whose subject line was: I do not have to clean out the clothes closets
Me: My Gawd – it is a win, win. So funny! Alexis
He I don’t understand
Me: I decided not to explore any further the relationship with (New Guy) See blog of tomorrow for details .
He: Given your obvious anxiety over the situation, probably very wise.
Then an interesting discovery yesterday. reading the magazine distributed to members of the Tate Britain. An article spoke of the life of Edna Clarke Hall’s. “Challenged by a critical husband who lacked empathy for hr artist’s soul, she retreated within herself and it seemed her creative life had died.” Did not that describe the relationship with #3 in my own life? Of course. Edna moved on to a house 15th century, half-timbered house on Upminister Downs, identified with Wuthering Heights and off she went creating. With me, I suppose it was moving to London, away from the tentacles of family and friends. And now a new life in Vancouver.
This morning I write from bed, the air conditioner roars offering solitude. A great dinner with handsome young man – we are such good friends with no romantic illusions.
The picture was taken at the coffee store in the Fortis building on West Georgia where Sir Richard and I were breakfasting. Apparently I turn dogs on too