I hate Christmas and I am storming around Vancouver telling any and all who listen that I hate Christmas. I am going to break it to you gently – most people do – they merely need a spokesperson and I am uniquely qualified. I breezed into a Dollar Store and made the grand announcement; a woman whispered in my ear.
She: I do too. I only bought three presents this year, for my nieces.
Me: I did not buy any! I am not getting any and I am not giving any. So I won’t go broke and I will not have crummy things that I did not want in the first place.
Others say: It is so commercial
Me: That is the whole point! Failing businesses can only stay in business because of Christmas, that is the only time they realize a profit. The failing businesses should fail rather than have this ridiculous boost, either that or get a better business plan.
Others talk about the birth of the Baby Jesus. Well, excuse me, every religion known to man has some sort of celebration at the time of the Winter Solstice. What happened, way back when was this, I have it on good authority.
Pope Poop the First: We have got to come up with some kind of jolly time to have at Winter Solstice.
Adherent: Well, we could have Jesus born then, in a barn with animals around and then along come three wise men.
Pope Poop the First: Well, that sounds rather unlikely but I guess if they are believing in the virgin birth they might be guidable enough for this one too.
Would that scenario be fun to act out in a Christmas Pageant? I will play Pope Poop the First, being a woman and all. It would make quite a statement.
The New Yorker used more erudite language. Speaking of Christmas they opined” Yet, for some of us, they also involve hanging out with people we don’t otherwise see—possibly for good reason.” So I shan’t have that problem as I quite enjoy my hot water bottles.
I do think there is hope, that it is possible to eradicate Christmas. All that is needed is a strong leader and guess who she is. ME. The campaign will begin with a ritualistic burning of all dead Christmas trees and move onto a throwing of unwanted gifts into the sea. Vancouver will be the capital of this organization as it is conveniently located near the Pacific Ocean. Then have a Crystal Naught of smashing Christmas decorations. We need a parade but at the moment I cannot think of a theme, but marching bands will be a necessity. Needless to say the bands will not be playing hideous Christmas music. I shall be the star of the parade wearing some sort of knock dead dress and a crown (of course) lent by DeBeers Jewelry. And with all the money saved from not buying Christmas presents it will be possible to go somewhere warm. As we Canadians say: “There you go!”
Yesterday my day went a bit awry as my blow dry appointment at Suki’s is today not yesterday. But magic ensued. I hung out, started to talk to a wonderful woman whose stylist was late so she was hanging out as well. I think I made a new friend. This is what she said to me in a text: “Alexis, great to have met you! Your energy and spark for life radiates through you. Thank you for your honesty, vulnerability and openness- we were meant to meet this morning and I so enjoyed our heartfelt encounter.
She went on to say she was going to Palm Springs but we would get together in the New Year. Me: Yes, yes and more yes.
I marched back home stopping at the Ugg store and learning that once in a while there is a sale proving Cousin Gail slightly wrong. Then some gym clothes at Old Navy – the only place I go is the gym and my lawyer clothes are not suitable. Speaking of the gym there is utter magic as Hottie and another hot personal trainer are going to San Francisco the last week in January. Guess who already has hotel reservations in SF because she is going for medical treatment and a special reunion? Alexis Janice McBride. I almost fainted dead away when Hottie told me of this strange coincidence. Their trip is work related as there are two Equinox gyms in SF.
Next it was to the Vancouver Public Library where I signed up to be a volunteer. I love that library and it is important to give back. Then a fantastic pasta dish at another go to place that is conveniently located between the library and my apartment. It is Social Corner, its decor stunning and the staff marvelous. More about it later.
The photo is one of me taken at a jolly Christmas celebration a mere two years ago. It was a Meunier Christmas in Edmonton and we were playing a stupid game. Do not you love the antlers and the cold sore. The cold sore got photo shopped out in the great sassy picture of me. So I am a born again Canadian and a born again Christmas detester. Hahahaha or should I say? Hohohohoho.