This is day four of radioactivity. The Emperor sent the following email
Emperor: Were you walking on west Georgia yesterday? I spotted something glowing and wasn’t sure if it was you…
Me: It had to be me wonderful me, it had to be me. Smart a**! laugh ?
Friend Ty told me an amazing story about his mother, who is a year younger than I am. She had a similar procedure, was given a trusty letter and attempted to cross the border. She and her husband pulled up to the border control in their trusty automobile. Lights went on, alarms went off, the dogs were called in and people with hazardous material suits appeared out of nowhere. The border crossing ground to a halt. Ty’s mother slowly wound down the window of the car, waving her letter like a white flag saying: “It had to be me.” So I ain’t going nowhere until after day seven. No border crossing, no airplane trips – I have a bad enough time with security even on a good day – much less on a radioactive day.
People ask me of my experience at St. Paul’s Hospital. The personal were truly wonderful, I report. Some say that they have heard of different experiences. I say this is why.
Me: I am an ideal patient, I worse short sleeves, got here on time, brought my medications, did not drink caffeine, brought money for snacks and I am polite and friendly.
They: I wish everyone was like you. You are an ideal patient!
Me: Thanks. Do I get a star?
They: We don’t have any stars.
Me: You should get some. Do you want my address so that you can mail mine to me?
This interchange is similar to one in the LL of the Trump International Hotel.
Newlywed: You are such a good guest, I wish everyone was like you. You are so easy.
Me: That is what all of the guys say.
But I will fill you in on some of the horrors encountered on this very special examination
commonly known as a myocardial perfusion scam. You get injected and then can run away for two hours. I went back ‘home’. CCC evidenced concern in a prior email.
“Your appointment at Sukis has been cancelled so don’t worry. I hope that when you come back you just take it easy for once please and rest ….. no wondering or laughing too hard today!
Thats an order! Dr. CCC”
Did I obey? Of course not. CCC was horrified when I showed up at the first break and then trudged back for torture. At first it was a CAT scan and some nuclear machine that left one utterly claustrophobic. Then the real fun began with the stress test performed on a treadmill. All hooked up I was forced to walk and walk and walk with only a picture of a pathway in the forest to guide me. I complained vociferously:
Me: This is too hard. I need my personal Trainer Hottie with me, He is the one who motivates me. I cannot do this without my Hottie!
They: Pretend that Hottie is at the end of the pathway and he is waiting there for you.
Me; It is not working. He is not that flat.
Then an injection of a drug that mimics exercise and more walking. It made me feel like I was back in menopause. Then shots of antidote to make me normal again (well, what passes for normal),
Me: All of this will probably GIVE me a heart attack.
Me: Who designed this stupid blue gown that does not do up properly?
Her: I do not know but they should be shot.
Me: Good point.
Then I got another break and walked back ‘home’. CCC. was so distressed!
CCC: What are you doing? You are supposed to be resting!
Me: They gave me a break but I have to go back.
CCC: You are not walking back!! I will get you the Trump car and a ride.
Me: OK I guess.
So Master Max gave me a ride back to St. Pauls for more claustrophobic tests and then sit around and wait for the doctor to give you the results. My heart is OK but I am radioactive. It is sort fun though.
Friend Ty and I went to the Opus Hotel last night to hear a wonderful musician. But there were so many drunks it was almost impossible to hear him. Those young ‘uns. The photograph is me in all of my glory. Despite the drunken young ‘uns Ty and I had a great time.
The quote from Triple S’s book previously read out loud at St. Paul’s waiting room. It is by Paula Poundstone, one of my favorite comedians. “Taking the long view, I’m thankful that we’re no longer hunter-gatherers, which has certainly freed up some time.”