I forced myself into a state of isolation yesterday. I did so knowing that I had to mourn, to sob, to weep convulsively. I did, it was a blessing. It took a great deal of bravery to feel that depth of sorrow but I did. As I said to a friend, “I was so busy building the scar tissue but the wound was not there.” Now it is, and the healing will begin.
I am not expecting anyone to feel sorry for me. My isolation took place in my marvelous apartment that I love with all of my heart. I wrote a ‘love letter’ to my land person (a woman) telling her how much I loved everything she did to make this a perfect place for me. I cannot believe my good fortune. It is so splendid that it almost makes me believe in God. (joke and non joke)
So I cried but also went through and organized my papers, not fun but it is dirty work and someone has to do it. I found many treasures which I will talk about in ensuing blogs. Things I had forgotten about that were so illuminating and were largess preparing me for the future. Things I probably forced myself to forget so as not to feel the pain. But now those things help me understand the pain and hence overcome it.
Once, during my tenure at the Trump International Hotel, I suffered a sling and arrow. One of about four. I was devastated but somehow had the foresight to go for a massage at the Ivanka Trump spa. The masseuse there was an incredible woman, so adept and then at the conclusion the massage would sing to me. It did blow my socks off when she sang on my first massage: “Smile, Though Your Heart is Braking” (That was a joke, I did not have any socks on at the time,) Then this next time, when I wept during the massage, she sang: “Your Favorite Things” from the Sound of Music. I was so grateful and uplifted. So I looked around my apartment, found my favorite things, took a picture of them and now I will tell you about them.
The first one is the loo sign. It was purchased at the Car Boot Sale in London. I absolutely love the word LOO – so superior to all those other words. Restroom? Bathroom? Toilet? John? Appropriately the LOO sign is in the LOO.
Then on the fireplace mantel there are two tiny Chinese figures. They were purchased at Laurel House, a consignment store in Marin County where I volunteered for many years. They came with me to London and then to Canada. There was a tiny table that they leaned on, but somehow it got lost. But I had this absolutely brilliant idea. Now they rest on the origami box, the one made for me by the Japanese woman on my flight from London to Vancouver. I absolutely love those boxes and will treasure them until the day I die.
The other items are also on the mantel. The note that accompanied the flowers given me by CCC early in my stay at the Trump, along with the silly figure from the egg that he compared me to. Then there is the sign, resting on an easel. “I’ve learned so much from my mistakes…I’m thinking of making a few more.” It is so funny, so apt and is my motto. I have more than one friend who NEVER learns from his/her mistakes. Maybe I will point this out to them when I see them. It just might help them. It is not something you can put in an email – it does require a face to face.
But then a dear, dear person said something that so resonated with me. I wrote it down and found the note when I was going through my papers yesterday. We were talking about people who are usurious – friends actually. She said: They suck the soul right out of you. And never leave anything in the pool.” Yes, my dear friend and I managed to find someone yet again who fit the bill. But at some point I realized it. And , here is the good news, a soul is something you can rebuild, I am finding.
Pictures to follow, it is off to Suzi’s for a blow dry with Vicki. I am re emerging from my cocoon. I guess that makes me a butterfly. Not something I would particularly enjoy as I am afraid of heights and I am not quite that colorful. Yet.
