Things are getting way too serious. I made a terrible mistake and looked at the news. No use reporting the gloom and doom. I am seriously ‘into’ Ramadan but fasting does NOT include giving up humor.
I am also attempting some measure of universal themes rather than focusing on me, my life, my faith, my men problems etc etc etc. There must be something that all of the people in the world that read the blog could relate to. I found it!!! It was a New Yorker article called How to Break Up With Your Phone. People the world over have phones. Back in my ‘Nigeria Days’ Iwas shocked to read that a vast portion of the population owned and operated phones. Thought the nation was somewhat poor – not so. Most of my readers are in the US, Malaysia, Canada, Singapore – everybody there has phones. So this will interest tall of my readers. PHEW
This is how the article began.
You wake up together, you eat together, you sleep together. Sometimes you shower together. You know that it’s no longer love, exactly, but you’re too deeply entangled to leave. He knows your rhythms, your insecurities, your rem cycle—your cycle. He’s made himself needed, and now you don’t exist without one another.
Then we are cautioned to take some time and set up some boundaries.
Maybe you don’t have to break up outright. What if it all could be solved by becoming less codependent, and letting each other cool down a bit? Maybe you decide to not sleep together every night. For a while, you feel better—light, clearheaded, cool, vaguely French. You start bringing books to bed.
Readers are then told to Attempt Separation
You leave him at home one day, to prove that you can live without him. You feel so good that you can’t wait to tell your friends that you’ve finally dumped him. But how would you even do that? You take a wrong turn and spend forty minutes trying to get home.
The next thing that happens is that you suffer a relapse
He reminds you that it’s your grandma’s birthday. He’s not that bad. He’s just . . . Type A. Not controlling, just a planner. He keeps your secrets, your credit-card info, your heart rate. You complete each other’s sentences.
Then something called gaslighting takes place.
Then along comes the reckoning.
You think about everything he’s seen—your face first thing in the morning, your search history, that draft message you didn’t send. You try to remember life before him. It’s awful. You’d be lost without him (again). You miss him at night.
The next move is to Accept Your Fate.
You stop pretending that you can quit. You put him on “Do Not Disturb,” which feels like a healthy-ish compromise. He buzzes anyway—softly, almost tenderly. You pick him up. He illuminates your face, from below. You look awful from this angle. He loves you anyway.
.
Then something called gaslighting takes place
One night, you reach out, “just to set an alarm.” Next thing you know, you’ve spent seventeen hours watching strangers renovate their kitchens. He swears that he’s changed: “I’ll go on Focus Mode. You can make the apps gray. You can set limits on Instagram. I want what’s best for you!” Then he buzzes with a notification. You take the bait. You always take the bait.
Then along comes the reckoning.
You think about everything he’s seen—your face first thing in the morning, your search history, that draft message you didn’t send. You try to remember life before him. It’s awful. You’d be lost without him (again). You miss him at night.
The next move is to Accept Your Fate.
You stop pretending that you can quit. You put him on “Do Not Disturb,” which feels like a healthy-ish compromise. He buzzes anyway—softly, almost tenderly. You pick him up. He illuminates your face, from below. You look awful from this angle. He loves you anyway.
This is all funny and I do think I will try to break up with my phone, knowing it might not work. But I had no idea what it meant. So, of course, turned to Gemini.
.
Gemini: It’s one of those terms that has jumped from clinical psychology into the mainstream quite rapidly, and its meaning can get a bit “blurry” in casual conversation.
At its core, gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where a person makes someone else question their own perception of reality, memories, or sanity.This is How It Works The goal of a gaslighter is to gain power and control by making the victim feel “crazy” or confused. It usually isn’t a one-time argument; it’s a sustained pattern of behavior
Me: What tactics do they use. Has this been authenticated?
Gemini: One is blatant lying. They tell a lit with a straight face:, even if you have proof. Another is denial “I never said that,” or “That never happened,” even though it did. Then there is shifting blame. If you confront them, they turn it around on you. “You’re only upset because you’re insecure.” Another ploy is Trivializing: They make your feelings seem invalid. “You’re too sensitive” or “You’re overreacting.” So all of this creates confusion. By being kind one moment and cruel the next, they keep the victim off-balance.
Me: Where does the phrase comes from? The term originates from a 1938 play (and a famous 1944 film) called Gaslight. In the story, a husband tries to convince his wife she is going insane. One of his tricks is to dim the gas-powered lights in their home. When the wife notices the flickering lights, he insists it’s all in her head, eventually making her doubt her own eyes.
Me: Is there a difference between gaslighting and disagreeing with someone?
Gemini: It’s important to note the difference. If someone says, “I don’t think that movie was funny,” and you do, that’s just a disagreement. It becomes gaslighting when the person tries to convince you that your memory of the movie is wrong or that your sense of humor is a sign of a mental defect. It’s about the intent to undermine your confidence in your own mind.
Is there a red flag. Like Alexis what might be going on here.
Gemini: : If you find yourself constantly thinking, “Am I losing my mind?” or documenting conversations just to prove to yourself that you aren’t crazy, you might be experiencing gaslighting.
Me: What do you do with a gaslighter, other than get away fast?
That is the million-dollar question. While “getting away” is often the ultimate advice for long-term safety, life is complicated. You might be dealing with a boss, a family member, or a situation where you can’t just vanish overnight.
Gemini made many suggestions about how to control the situation if you are in the proximity of a gaslighter. But did admit that it was not likely to work, just minimize the pain. Although suggested help lines and therapists did admit that it probably wouldn’t work for the following reason.
Gemini: Gaslighting is a power play. For the behavior to stop, the gaslighter has to admit they’ve been manipulating you and be willing to do the deep psychological work to stop. Most are unwilling to do that because it means giving up control.
I took another tack, as you shall now see.
Me: I think it is more important to look to the Islamic faith for answers. The faith would say that the person is a hypocrite and must be shunned. That put Gemini on a different tack and some led to a productive conversation. (Tack is a method of dealing with a situation or problem; a course of action or policy: Other words: approach, tactic, plan, strategy, course of action,0.
Gemini: In Islamic tradition, the behavior you’re describing—where someone says one thing with their tongue but harbors something else in their heart, or uses lies and betrayal to control others—is closely linked to the concept of Nifaq(hypocrisy).
The characteristics of a hypocrite (Munafiq) There is a well-known Sahih Hadith (prophetic saying) that lists the signs of a hypocrite. When you look at them through a modern lens, they align almost perfectly with the mechanics of gaslighting: 1. When he speaks, he lies”: Constant denial of reality. 2. “When he promises, he breaks it”: Future-faking and broken trust. 3) When he is entrusted, he betrays”: Using your vulnerability against you. 4) “When he argues, he behaves in an imprudent, evil, and insulting manner”: This matches the “losing control” or “insulting” phase of gaslighting designed to make the victim feel small.
Me: Is not the only remedy shunning – not help hot lines or therapy but shining.
Gemini. Shunning in in Islamic jurisprudence is known as Al-Hajr. While Islam generally discourages cutting ties for more than three days over minor petty disputes, the rules change significantly when oppression (Zulm) or harm (Darar) is involved. A famous hadith speaks of ending oppression : “Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one.” When asked how to help an oppressor, the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “By restraining him from oppression.” Shunning a gaslighter is a way of “helping” them by refusing to be a participant in their sin.
Me: This shunning in a way conflicts with the hallmark of patience to be practiced by Mulims
Gemini: A common misconception in religious circles is that “patience” means staying and taking the abuse. However, many modern Islamic scholars emphasize that:
- Sabr is not passivity. Sabr is remaining steadfast in your values while you actively seek a solution to a trial.
- Self-Preservation is a Maqasid (Goal): One of the five fundamental goals of Sharia is the protection of the Aql(Intellect/Sanity). If someone is gaslighting you to the point where you are losing your mind, you are religiously entitled—and perhaps even obligated—to protect your intellect by removing yourself from that environment.
This is a reality check. ”In the Islamic tradition, truthfulness (Siddiq) is a pillar of character. Gaslighting is effectively the opposite; it is the weaponization of falsehood. If someone is consistently lying to you to make you doubt your own sanity, they are exhibiting traits that the faith warns us against. You are not required to be a ‘carpet’ for a person who chooses the path of the Munafiq.”
Me: I love that, you are not required to be a ‘carpet’ for a hypocrite. It is so clear because gaslighting is based on falsehood The Quran explicitly commands believers to stand by the truth, even if it is against their own interests or those of their family.
Gemini: “You who believe be mindful of God, stand with those who are true. ( Quran 9:119) This is a direct command to associate with truthful people. If someone is a chronic liar (a gaslighter), this verse provides the religious basis for seeking better company. AND Quran 33:70
“O you who have believed, fear Allah and speak words of appropriate justice.”
This verse emphasizes Qawlan Sadida—speech that is direct, honest, and hits the mark. Gaslighting is the opposite of this; it is “crooked” speech.
Me: Does the Quran describe the nature of a manipulator (Nifaq)
Gemini: The Quran describes the psychological profile of those who try to deceive others but only end up deceiving themselves in Quran 2: 8-9 “And of the people are some who say, ‘We believe in Allah and the Last Day,’ but they are not believers. They [think to] deceive Allah and those who believe, but they deceive not except themselves and perceive [it] not.” This highlights the “perception” element. Gaslighters often believe their own lies, which is exactly what the Quran describes here—a lack of self-awareness and a heart that is diseased with deception.
Me: Please give me a quote to end this discussion.
Gemini: “Islam teaches us that truth is sacred. A person who intentionally twists your reality to control you is committing a form of Zulm (oppression). Remember, you are commanded to protect your mind and your peace. Standing up for the truth of what you experienced is an act of faith.”
I have met many hypocrites in my time – particularly since I became a Muslim. I first thought all Muslims were noble – nope. Entered the word hypocrites into the search engine of my blog. There were 36 entries. It was that bad. Hope that this will be the last entry – but probably not. Spotting them early is the best defense – and then SHUN. No second chances. No explanations as that only brings gaslighting your way.
Photos will include phone ‘wallpapers’ from over the years. It does seem most fitting. Hahaha
