I am trying to find the words to describe my emotional state. Words describing emotions are very familiar as I have spent decades in psychotherapy. One does not magically recover from horrendous abuse – it takes work. It is certainly easy to claim victimhood but being a victim its not as much fun as it might seem. You do not have to take responsibility for anything, can feel sorry for yourself and be surrounded by people who feel sorry for you and do not expect much of you except tears. Often those people support you out of pity. Never wanted that so spent thousands and thousands of dollars sitting and lying on couches and chairs in therapist’s offices learning the lingo.
Lingo is the vocabulary or jargon of a particular subject or group of people: The jargon, the mumbo jumbo, the gobbledygook of psychiatrists and psychologists telling their patients to name and label their emotions. I am an expert.
Nonetheless I am at a loss to find the right words. Instead I shall describe the precipitating event.
Place: Lobby of Lexis Suites, Penang, Malaysia
Time: Shortly after breakfast buffet on Mezzanine Floor Time was approximately 10:15 am.
Event: Renewal of my occupancy for two more weeks.
I was being assisted by the most courteous and helpful staff member. The front office staff could not be better, so helpful, courteous, friendly, and kind. Success was achieved, my credit card accepted, new plastic keys in hand. A joyous moment! Glanced over my shoulder at the television (thankfully BBC news not CNN). Cannot remember clearly the exact story line that grabbed my attention. It went something like: Jasper, Alberta town devastated by Wildfires.
Me: Oh ny goodness that is Canada, that is my province, only about 300 kms from my former home. I cannot believe it!
He: Oh no! Do you have family there?
Me: Thankfully not. I have no family. But it seems like everything in Western Canada and USA is going up in flames. It is never going to happen here in your blessed country but it is in mine. I guess I should take comfort in the fact that the mountains will still be there. It has the most glorious mountains in the whole world, from what I have seen so far.
Stopped to buy two cokes (not cocaine, the soft drink). Took the elevator to my room Cannot clearly remember what I did but got out of my abaya with its matching scarf. Looked to see if I had any WhatsApp messages, Poured myself a coke.
In a somewhat leisurely fashion decided to Google Jasper fires – then read and watched what was going on. I began to weep convulsively, along with Alberta Premier Danielle Smith (of all people) She was saying something like our national treasure is gone.
Me: Yes! I absolutely loved Jasper. It is, I guess was, my favorite place in all of Canada. Now there is nothing at all worth going back there for. I wanted to take the train to visit one last time. Now it will not be possible!! What is going on in this world???
There was no one to share my tears with, no one with which to lament. Lament is to •express one’s deep grief about. I am forced to have this conversation with my Alter Ego.
Me: I cannot remember the last time I visited there. I was there with my ‘wished for family” – the Meuniers so guess I can figure out when.
Alter Ego: Wished for family? And how does that help?
Me: I became a member of this Edmonton family in my adult years – maybe from 1985 until my wished for Dad died in 2017 – then the family sort of fell apart. So I guess I was there in perhaps 2010 – before my 2013 London, England adventure.
Alter Ego: What do you remember?
Me: Not much. Cannot even remember how we got there from Edmonton. I just remember how much I loved it and had missed it. Had not been there in decades.
YouTube provided interviews with the mayor, with a volunteer fire woman who lost her house. They were almost comatose in shock. I felt so sorry for them and the people that lived there. What will they do? Probably their means of livelihood will be gone as there will be no tourism. They must have been so happy with their houses, living in the midst of the magnificent scenery. How were they to know? the owner of Maligne Lodge, not there, said she will rebuild. Even if possible it will take years.
Me: I am devastated!! That is my BIG problem I am too empathetic . My suffering is not going to help those people. I have got to snap out of it.
Alter Ego: You do. The people in Jasper will not even know that Alexis, living in Lexis Suites, in Penang Malaysia is suffering for them.
Me: You are right. I need to be filled with gratitude coupled with sympathy and compassion for them – but not empathy.
I stopped crying, the alarm on my iPhone told me me it was prayer time. I preformed woodoo, wrapped myself in an abaya and hijab praying from my private patio overlooking the waters and verdant green forests of Penang. A prayer of gratitude taking this from the Quran.
Chapter 114 Humankind. Like the previous chapters, this Medinian chapter is a supplication against the evil of humans and Jenn. This final chapter emphasizes the fact that God is the Lord and Master of all and that He is the only One to be called upon for help, which connects full circle with the central them of the first chapter of the Quran.
In the Name of God
The Most Compassionate, Most Merciful
Seeking protection against evil whisperers.
- Say ‘O Prophet’ “I seek refuge in the Lord of humankind, 2. The Master of humankind. 3. The God of humankind. 4. From the evil of the lurking whisperers. 5. Who whispers into the hearts of humankind-6. From among jinn and humankind.
Later, calmed I applied my rational thinking to the situation in Canada. I do have pity for the people but not for the country nor the leaders of the country for this reason. While living in Vancouver (2017-2019) went to a University of Alberta Alumni event at the Royal Yacht Club. The speaker was a professor, not sure which faculty but he expertly spoke of the danger of wild fires – gave reasons why they were going to pose a serious danger in the future authoritatively telling the audience of what needed to be done to prevent harm – including a systematic pattern of controlled burning. It would take resolve, determination and government funding which never materialized in time. Too late now as government is now spending vast amounts of money millions if not billions of dollars are being spent trying to contain the fires, firefighters come from all over the world – not for free, I am sure. Think of the cost of mass evacuations, emergency medical care, equipment to say nothing of the rebuilding of infrastructures devastated by the fire. The people suffer for this reason – Canada has never had anything resembling responsible leadership (except perhaps Justin’s Dad, Pierre). The weeping Altera Premier Danielle Smith is anti science, anti-vaccine, ill educated and proud of it. My blog of July 16, 2024 spoke of the Canadian political and social situation.
I look back – a year ago today I was in Saudi Arabia – preparing to go back to Edmonton, Alberta, Canada with the intention of returning to live both in KSA and Edmonton. I left on August 5, 2023 was able to pack in doctor appointments, get months of medication, new glass prescriptions, recover from a UTI, settle legal and financial affairs by September 20, 2023. Got on an Air Qatar Flight back to Riyadh – there to Medina. Was in Medina on October 7,2023. The resulting Islamaphobia made it impossible for me to return to safety in Edmonton. I suffered financial losses, loss of peace of mind and trust, was exploited by Pita Paudel the property manager at my apartment building. It has not been a life of ease, this past year.
Despite all of that evil I prevailed. I am residing in Malaysia in safety, breathing clean ocean breezes, not smoke, I will not have to see or listen to the misery of these poor people. Instead surrounded by Malaysian Muslims who treat me with respect, care and love.
I have not only survived I have thrived. Goodbye Canada – thanks for the memory and I guess the passport. And for my first 1964 university degree, attemding first good elementary and high schools (which have since deteriorated).
Wildfires are raging also in California and Oregon. Chico, California – I know it well. North America seems to be burning – almost like the hellfire promise in the Quran.
Me: I just got out of there on time. I might be reduced to ashes. I escaped, do wonder what happened to get me out of there in the nick of time.
Alter Ego: Yes it is so fortunate. Wonder what it was.?
Me: That was a trick question Alter Ego. I owe it all to my decision to become a Muslim. Otherwise I would still be there breathing smoke, carbon emissions, coughing, eyes watering, frightened, isolated, afraid my house or apartment would burn down, feeling sorry for evacuees. Instead I am surrounded by happy Malaysian families visiting for the weekend with their darling well behaved children.
What is a trick question? If someone asks you a trick question, they ask you a question which is very difficult to answer because there is a hidden difficulty or because the answer that seems obvious is not the correct one
Except for the fun of the trick question this has been an extremely serious blog., a downright downer. I shall end it with hopefully a measure of hope, optimism and humor. Yesterday I was clad in blue. Got off on the 8th floor to see that a throne had been installed. Yes, a Lexis Suites employee of nine years took my photograph and recorded a video. He as being honored at a special banquet for his years of service. This hotel is in many ways a big happy functional family. The functional does not have a dys preceding it. Not everyone is perfect but the good family members support the other good family members it seems – looking from afar as I do.
Sent the photo to dear friends. This my favorite response.
Me: Here I am Queen Elizabeth the First. No Alexis the Blue Eyed Queen
He: Blue in blue with a blue background
Me: There is a US song. “It is a blue blue day, I feel like running away. I feel like running away from the blues.” But I am not blue. Staying here two more weeks getting some writing done. Then to KL for about three days. Then to the UAE. Then back. But it will be like leaving the womb.
To another to the MAF folks, this message accompanying the photo.
Me: The Queen is coming to Dubai. Queen Elizabeth the First, the Virgin Queen. No! Granny Alexis the Blue-Eyed Queen.
No response as yet.
The reel (to follow!) speaks of the song playing in the background: A Thousand Years. Wrote about the song in my blog of July 6, 2024.
