I may not agree with the editorial policy of The New Yorker (if they have one) but their humour I absolutely love. The cartoons, Andy Borowitz (of course) and also a regularly appearing page called Shouts and Murmurs. This from the June 26, 2023 print edition: Reading Body Language Like the Experts.written by Colin Nissan.
It begins with this basic premise: “We can understand so much about what people are communicating by simply paying attention to their physical cues.”
It continues in hilarious fashion.
“Let’s say that you’re walking down the street and pass a guy who raises his arm in the air, then swings a knife at you. Body-language-wise, he wants to stab you.
Or how about if you’re at work, and your boss calls you into her office, then takes a swipe at you with a knife? Well, that’s already two people who have tried to take you out. “
I SO love that the boss is a woman, and she is armed. For some reason a mere knife, this is the USA Lady, you could have a gun and the guy would be history. Nissan gives another example of, shall we say, bad karma.
“To bond with someone, you may find yourself unconsciously mirroring his body language. When he shrugs, you shrug. He flips his hair; you flip yours. He says, “Stop that”; you say, “Stop that.” He says, “I’m an idiot.” You say, “I’m an idiot”—and that’s how quickly you can get burned by body language.”
The next one is aimed at the frequent flier (which I am becoming but do not have arm rests as I travel business class on Qatar Air).
“When your seatmate on a plane hogs the armrest, she is using body language to assert dominance. Though it’s not exactly the same, there are some animal species that display this behavior in the wild with their armrests.”
This is for the poor individual who ends up being home alone and someone comes knocking.
“If your parents and siblings go away on vacation and leave you home alone to fend off a couple of bumbling thieves, all you can really do in terms of body language is place your hands on your cheeks and make a face like What am I supposed to do here? I’m eight.”
There were more examples, just borrowed the funniest ones (to me). Nissan concludes in a manner that should make you laugh.
“As helpful as body language can be with stabbings, it’s not an exact science. In fact, it’s not a science at all—it’s a language, and like all languages it can be misinterpreted. If you’ve ever asked where the bathroom is in Spanish and ended up getting a colonoscopy, you know exactly what I mean.”
Now that is funny! I have received more than one colonoscopy, but they were purposive. I made an appointment, paid big money when I didn’t have the proper insurance, all of that.To think that I could have just used my Spanish and asked where the bathroom was. (Oops, just realized I do not speak Spanish). Not about to learn Spanish either. If I absolutely HAVE to learn a language at this point in my life, it is going to be Arabic. It will be useful. At the present time there are three marriage proposals emanating from three Arabic men, each being considered. Two of them do not speak English. AK (of Eish’ha Tours) is my designated father for purposes of dowry negotiations. For those of you ‘not in the know’, the woman gets the dowry in the Islamic faith. The man gets the dowry in the Hindu religion, because of that there are multiple women dowry murders reported. I did not become of the faith thinking I would be reaching a hands-on dowry, but it does help. The extra added benefit is that it if forbidden to celebrate Christmas is one is a Muslim, I have always hated Christmas, so this is a win/win for me.
But back to the negotiations The first negotiation fell apart as a million American dollars was asked, the counter offer was in Saudi currency. The intended groom did promise to get back to us. The second situation fell apart when the intended groom asked my surrogate father for a million dollars for each ‘age gap’ year. He was a mere thirty, so we were talking a lot of money. Do admit got angry, called off the negotiations. He became most repentant, saying that he would take me on a tour of the Asir ‘province,’, his homeland informing me that the weather is better, cooler as there are mountains. It would be more conducive to a long term stay, because I hate heat. Asir in Arabic means hard and difficult. However, the ‘capital city is Abha (which is Arabic for beautiful). This the second ‘prospect’ has no animals but is promising gold instead. The third ‘prospect’ has animals. Therefore, there is a demand for two white ions (a boy and a girl), three hundred Arab horses ( with very good lineage) and a family home in Scotland. A reply has not been received as yet.
This may sound unbelievable to your years but it is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth (so help me Allah (SWT). I am living undeniable proof of this: it is possible to be a Muslim woman and have fun.
Many Canadians are asking the following question.
They: Alexis, why are you going to live in Saudi Arabia.
Me: It is very complicated, and you, not being of the Islamic faith would not understand.
A short summary shall now be provided, then I can tell people to just read the blog.
- If Allah (SWT) gives you a gift you (as a Muslim) are supposed to use it.
- I have the gift of being funny and bringing joy. I am supposed to use it.
- The Quran tells all that nothing pleases Allah (SWT) more than this: A Muslim who makes other Muslims happy.
- What am I doing in Canada where there are few Muslims and the ones I have met are not worthy of my wit??? Almost everyone in Saudi Arabia is Muslim and all seem to enjoy me immensely.
Lawyer language shall now be employed. This said to the Judge, when they have offered evidence coupled with a compelling argument. I Rest My Case.
There are other factors, other reasons which shall be revealed onto you. Two business cards, the front and the back of each are pictured. I am going into business. I may not be the Canadian ambassador to Saudi Arabia (that did not turn out) but I will be an Ambassador. I shall do a fine job, it is a great company. You will hear more about this later. That is for sure. There are also two photos of me having fun at the Edge of the World. Those are nonalcoholic beers on ice in the foreground (by the way).