This is about to be one of the funniest stories of all time. However, alas and alack, written not by me but Simon Rich, a comedy writer employed by my favorite ‘go find humor,’ The New Yorker. I have both an online subscription and get the magazine as well. Found this jewel in the magazine section. (An aside, I read the magazine section in the bathroom. That is called TMI)
This is how it begins: “And so the Lord created two humans in His image, called Adam and Eve. And He put them in the Garden of Eden and provided them with everything that they could want. And all He asked in return was that they not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. But, lo, it came to pass that they did eat from this tree.”
We all know what happened next. The Lord got a bit, more than a little bit, angry. The Christians and the Jews blamed it all on Eve – made it original sin (whatever that might be), she the seductress, hence, and herein, the world of misogyny has reigned ever since. Not so in the Islamic faith, both Adam and Eve are held mutually responsible. I have written about this in the past, but this is supposed to be a blog infused with humour, so no mention shall be made.
So in Rich’s funny story, an unnamed Angel and the Lord have the following conversation.
“And when Adam and Eve were out of earshot, the Lord turned to His Angel and said, “Was that too harsh?”
And the Angel stared back at Him and said, “Uh, yeah, probably. They ate one piece of fruit.”
And the Lord groaned and said, “Why didn’t you stop me?”
And the Angel said, “We’re supposed to be a united front. If we contradict each other, it’ll just make them confused.” And she shook her head and said, “What was with that ‘dust’ thing?”
But the Lord did not listen to the Angel, the banishment thing continued, but humans kept sinning.
And the Lord said, “Just let me handle the discipline, O.K.? I know what I’m doing.”
And so the Lord stuck to the banishment thing. But, despite the harsh punishment, the humans continued to sin. And one day the Angel showed the Lord a note from school, and He was, like, “F**k, this is some major shit.”
And the Angel said, “Yeah, they’re starting to have real behavioral problems. We should talk to a psychologist and get some advice on what to do.”
But the Lord refused to go to the class making it necessary, in his mind, to inflict greater punishment.
“And the Lord said, “That class was bullshit!”
And the Angel said, “How would you know? You refused to even read the description on the Web site.”
And the Lord said, “It was held in the basement of a toy store! It was obviously just a scam to sell us toys!” And that was how the conversation ended, without any resolution about the whole discipline thing.”
Now that is far funnier than I could ever be, The ‘scam class’ in the basement of a toy store so they could sell toys, Absolutely hilarious.
But back to the rather dismal (although very funny) Rich story.
“And so the Lord punished the humans more and more, with floods and plagues and entire centuries without any television, and He kept giving them new rules, some of which made sense, but some of which were arbitrary, like “Don’t mix milk and meat,” which was something He’d just blurted out one morning when He was half asleep but now felt obliged to stick to. stick to. And it got to the point where He could barely even keep track of the rules that He had made, or what the penalties were for breaking them.”
This is how bad it got (and we all know about this part.) “Like, sometimes the humans would have punishments heaped upon them for basically no reason, and sometimes they’d do something truly messed up and get no punishment at all, or even be rewarded with political office.”
So there was not continuity whatsoever. The Lord thought that writing ten rules on a stone tablet would work but the Angel pointed out that policing the rule breaking would take all of their time and attention. The Lord was beside himself, this conversation ensued.
“And the Lord took a deep breath and confessed His secret fear: “I feel like the humans are becoming bad people, and it’s all because of me.”
And the Angel took His hand and said, “That isn’t true.”
And the Lord looked hopeful and said, “So you think the humans are turning out all right?””
And the Angel said, “No. They obviously have some real issues. But I don’t think it’s all because of you.”
And the Lord said, “Everything’s all because of me. I’m omnipotent.”
And the Angel said, “I think maybe, when it comes to creating humans, no one is. Sure, you can guide them a little here and there, and, obviously, it’s possible to really fuck them up, like, that’s been proven with those Romanian-orphanage studies. But in general you can’t control what kind of people they become. No matter what you do, they just end up turning into . . . themselves.”
And, as her point was sinking in, the Lord looked down and saw that the humans had started a new war. And He was going to do what He normally did (punish all involved, whether they’d started it or not), but instead He turned to the Angel and said, “Maybe we should go out tonight?”
”And so they dressed up and went out for the first time in eternity. And they ordered drinks and appetizers and the whole thing. And they talked about fun subjects that they couldn’t discuss when the humans were around, like whether or not Heaven was real, and how the secret numerical code in the Bible really worked. And they had so much fun that it felt like they were back In The Beginning, before they had humans, or even any animals, and it was just the two of them floating around among the sun and moon and stars.”
The story goes on, and has an encouraging ending. I am unable to provide the link but use a little initiative. Google Simon Rich, humor writer and the story will magically appear on the screen. Then subscribe to The New Yorker and with the extra income they may give him a raise that will make him Simon Richer. (hahahaha??)
But you have been missing some necessary definitions, perhaps necessary for an understanding.
Alas and alack is an expression of great sadness or disappointment. It is an idiom combining a pair of terms with similar meaning. The first syllable in each word is like a sigh; las is from Old French meaning weariness; and lack is from Middle English meaning loss. Shakespeare (and Alexis) used alas to express unhappiness, pity, or concern. “Life, alas is too short. Alas.” Alak is an expression of great sadness or disappointment: “Alas and alack, he will not help me. Alack, alack!”
I do humbly admit that my use of alas and alack was a bit overstated. Just because I was using Rich Simon’s humor instead of my own is not exactly grounds for great sadness or disappointment. The story is relevant and topical, and shall lead to a revisiting of the treatment of women in the three faith. I was blessed to have found it and was able to share it with my fans.
TMI was used in the beginning phase of this blog. It means too much information. Is it rude? Depending on the context and arena where it was used, the term could come across as a joking expression or something rude., The term TMI is usually used when someone is sharing too many intimate details, though sometimes TMI is used to describe when someone is sharing too many boring details.” I guess telling you of my reading habits is both too intimate and too boring. Oops?. I am?sorry.
The expression was first shortened to “TMI” by former Wall Street Journal reporter Joseph Checkler circa 1988. It was not until the late 1990s however, that the term was popularized by online communities. How does one deal with TMI? So simply saying “Whoa, TMI.” works in most situations.
Almost a year ago, on April 12, 2022 ,I wrote a powerful blog. The topic being the treatment of women in the Jewish, Christian and then, Islamic faiths, it all went back to Eve. It was written during Ramadan of 2022. I informed all who read that I was abandoning jokes and frivolity for awhile. I will place my my earlier self in quotes.
“I am not giving up – more to come particularly during Ramadan. I love entertaining people, making them laugh and helping them enjoy their lives, particularly if they ‘deserve it’. But perhaps you should look for your entertainment elsewhere as I am righteously angry with all of this, the unwarranted treatment toward women.
I have mentioned this mistreatment in the past, during the course of this blog. I shall now tell you what to do to retrieve them. I do a great deal of work to write these blogs, you shall have a taste of what it entails when you follow the links and read the prior blogs. So stay on board, but only if you are brave and adventurous. I am both of those.”
I then dared people to read my blogs about the treatment of women, ending laughingly: “Then type Status of Women in Islamic Faith, you will find a wealth of information. What else are you doing???”
I am intending to quote extensively from my prior writings. I said it well, it bears repeating. This blog is so unwieldy, thousands if not millions of words, because (as I laughing say):
Me: I do not suffer from writer’s block. I suffer from writer’s diarrhea.
There are two photos, both of hearts as this is Valentine’s Day. I received zero valentines. The hearts pictured are from my Saudi Arabia days. One, taken in Madinah, was posted on Instagram with the following caption. It was posted on Instagram with the following caption:
This greeted me when I returned to my hotel room after a busy, eventful and marvelous day. I definitely feel like Sheikha Fatimah. Maybe I am??? My hotel is Shahad Al Madinah. Needless to say, I ❤️it.
The other photo shows a breakfast dish made for me alone at the sumptuous brunch held every morning at the Riyadh Hotel Hilton. I love blueberries particularly when they are in a heart shape. I was pampered beyond belief at that hotel, by the chef and most of the staff. I shall return to be pampered, to retrieve my possessions and to check on how the search for the husband is progressing. But not at Ramadan, as was originally planned.