So this has been an eventful morning for me. Writing the blog was very difficult, not quite as hard as writing the blog describing the events of August 18,2019 when an attempt was made on my life – but still difficult. The tension was totally relieved when Chris quickly posted the blog and it seemed all out there for the world to see. Everyone around has been so supportive encouraging the rather drastic message that was sent. All marvel at my courage and say they are proud of me. Then my bookcase was delivered – I do so LOVE Crate and Barrel . The wide choice of quality merchandise and their delivery service so prompt and courteous. The book case fits into the space created by Personal Driver (aka Personal Handyman) and myself.
The bookcase’s presence adds a sense of stability and permanence in this apartment that is furnished. It seems I am home.
But here comes the humour. I already have a replacement Arab and I laugh. I must have been without an Arab man for about two seconds. This one is only half Arab and is gay, living with his husband for the past seventeen years. I met the husband and he thinks I am fine and is encouraging our relationship.
Me to Replacement Arab: You are just the guy I need right now. It seems like a miracle.
He: Here for you!
Me: You are! I really believe you are!
He lives near Sacramento but is making plans to come and visit me soon. He sent this incredible emoji with a rainbow that flashes LOVE YOU. It does seem so improbable. We met at the Rotunda and it was sort of love at first sight. Well I had just had my make up done at Saks and I was wearing my glamours black dress with my Jimmy Cho shoes. Who can blame the poor man.? I am laughing.
I was thinking of a certain individual and his betrayal. Just because the chickens do not immediately come home to roost does not mean that they will not. What does that expression mean? “The consequences of doing wrong always catch up with the wrongdoer, as in Now that you’re finally admitting your true age, no one believes you-chickens come home to roost . The fact that chickens usually come home to rest and sleep has long been known, but the idea was used figuratively only in 1809, when Robert Southey wrote, “Curses are like young chickens, they always come home to roost” ( The Curse of Kehama).” I have a condition known as betrayal trauma – I ‘forget’ the trauma because the natural reaction to betrayal is to walk away but a child cannot do that as they need their parents to survive. So the child ’forgets’ the trauma. I have that condition and and it still can operate under certain conditions. It has recently. But something happened and I became cognizant and remembered all of the betrayals and at that point acted in the appropriate way, by walking away.
It is interesting to be the person who breaks up a relationship – it is not as easy as it appears. There are feelings of guilt, of pity, of remorse. Remorse is contrition, deep regret, repentance, penitence, guilt, feelings of guilt, bad/guilty conscience, compunction, remorsefulness, ruefulness, contriteness, sorrow, shame, [pangs of conscience. ANTONYMS indifference..
I was once in a relationship with Don McCarthy, I can name him since he is dead. We lived together. He began to treat me cruelly – so cruelly that I left him and then sued him as he failed to meet his contractual obligation for the condo we bought together. I prevailed, needless to say. Then I learned that he was in another relationship and I determined that he got me to break off with him because he did not have the courage to do it himself. Needless to say, any respect I had for him totally faded. Is it true in my current situation? I do not think so. He can get away with a great deal because of his power. No one has ever said: :
Me: Stop that! That hurt! And if you cannot stop this behaviour I will leave this relationship.
So I guess it is a surprise and not an intended result. But who knows? It seem I am doing my Phoenix Rising again. There were definitely ashes but I an arising from them.
I admit to watching the February 1, 2020 Endurance Races in Saudi Arabia. He sure can ride a horse, that is for sure. But it has a different affect on me. This is I at the moment:
Me: I guess to get the attention I deserve I would have to ba horse or a camel.
Alter Ego: But do you want to do that?
Me: Absolutely not! I do not particularly like sand nor do I particularly like hay. One has to have principles.
So as one can see, it is my sense of humour that rescues me. My favourite trait, next to my sexuality. Hahaha.
I am thinking at this moment of republishing on this blog a story I wrote in London in December of 2016. It describes my early years and is called the Secret of My Success. The quick and dirty is that my early years were spent with others, not in a nuclear family. If I would have been in a nuclear family with my mother and father it would have been HORRIBLE. But I wasn’t. I am sure I can find it on this computer. Sometimes I overthink things, but some things should be overthought.
The photograph attached to this blog is a ‘poster’ I had made and found amongst my Vancouver possessions. It is my fabulous blog picture taken by Hannah Laycock with the quote by Albert Camus. I am finding an invincible summer in the midst of this winter. It is my sense of humour and my Replacement Arab.