So yesterday I lost my phone, it is a long story and I am going to tell it. But a dear friend when learning of my plight said:
He: Being phone-less in a world that expects instantaneous response is tantamount to sexual impotency with a nymphomaniac.
Me: Well it was retrieved so now I guess I am the functional equivalent of a man in heat with a nympho. A better match!
He: No response as yet.
So the word of the day has become analogy and here we go. The synonyms are: similiarity, parallel, parallelism, correspondence, likeness, resemblance, correlation, relation, kinship, equivalence, similitude, symmetry, homology. ANTONYMS dissimilarity.
Therefore the powerless feeling of not having a phone is the correspondence, the similitude and equivalence of a man unable to perform. Your are welcome world, I am providing language instruction in a humorous way.
This is how the phone loss came about. I was sitting in the hotel lobby with the phone plugged into a wall socket conveniently placed by a chair near the door. I was so excited when two extremely dear people (to me) arrived – we went off to brunch leaving the phone alone and unattended.
A little later (apparently) about fifty young girls and their ‘leaders’ came to check out. It was an utter mess with the ‘leaders’ making sandwiches on the coffee table and making sure the girls all had chips/ Disorganization and chaos reigned. At some point in this process a staff member determined that the phone might belong to someone in the group and gave the phone to the ‘leader’ to give to the girl who left it behind. MISTAKE MISTAKE MISTAKE. The error realized staff sought to retrieve the phone from the ‘leader’ – such a mess would be impossible to fictionalize so it will be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. The gaggle of girls were catching BART to the airport. The dear bell man was unable to catch them. Phone calls transpired between the wonderful staff and the ‘leader’. (I am using that term loosely and you will see why,) She kindly offered to mail it from home, which I think was LA. The staff (and me at this point having returned from brunch) determined that this was not a good idea for various reasons, including, but not limited to, the fact that I would be impotent for this time (see analogy). I said:
Me: I will get a cab and go to the airport and get it from the woman. An extremely helpful staff member said:
He: No I will go for you Alexis, I will go.
Me: Oh, thank you! I love you.
He was going to pick it up from the agent so helpful Roberta and I copied my driving license and I provided the code and the authorization.So he saddled up his pony (a car actually) took another staff member and off they sped. I was to retrieve my phone the next morning at 10 when the helpful, wonderful staff member was coming to work.
But after awhile I heard a knock upon my door. It was the wonderful concierge with the phone in her hand. BUT it ended up that my knight in shining armour got to SFO only to discover that the “leader” was actually at the Oakland Airport. So my Knight sped to Oakland, retrieved the phone from the silly, stupid lady (oops) and brought it to me immediately. Now why did I slip and call the ‘leader’ silly etc,? Well with the number of kids and the luggage she could have hired a van to take them to the airport and rather seamlessly. It is possible to buy sandwiches at the airport rather than make and take on the coffee table at the tiny lobby, . Chips are not mandatory – they girls could have lived without chips. She did not even know what airport they were leaving from? Did she not know that having no phone would leave me impotent? I fear that the ‘leader’ is not gainfully employed. It is just a hunch that is shared by most that met her and also those that have read this blog. Women need to be educated, not just marry the first guy that comes around and then sit about. I am ALL FOR stay at home moms, all should in my opinion – but this woman NOT. She contributes nothing to society and is hardly a role model for Girl Scours. Grandparents swarmed about brining huge containers of water. Excuse me?? This is not the Sahara Desert and municipal water is the safest in the world. These people are laughable and not. Their ignorance and inattention caused everyone to suffer as they blithely ran about feeling superior to everyone. I am a little miffed, in case you did not notice. Not only for myself but the dreadful inconvenience that this woman (and her progeny) caused. Will she know of this? Of course not!!! I hardly gave her a blog card.
On that high note I leave. I now an in Marin with a wonderful bill of health from my wonderful physician who says I will live forever – well – into my late nineties at least. I cannot wait to tell the young men who are attracted to me about my longitivtiy, they will be pleased or not pleased, Hahaha! My Doctor is happy, who cares about you guys?!?! My Doctor has been loyal to me for almost forty years – you losers bail quite quickly. Do I care?? Absolutely not. I have my phone, my marvellous staff at the Inn and you??? What do you have???
I am clearly in a feisty mood but confining it to the blog rather than personal emails to guys who are in difficult and terrible do do. They will find out soon enough.