Just in case any of you are anxious, worrying about what I will do without Hottie – fear not! There are replacements around and about. This is a true story, there is even a witness to this encounter.
Me: I see a wedding ring? Are you married?
He: Yes
Me: That does not matter. You see I have many men friends and I am famous. I can’t sleep with one of them because then I would have to sleep with all of them. It would be messy and time consuming. And I have fame so the chances that someone (outside the charmed circle) would tell everyone – because of my fame. So I need someone that will be discreet, someone who will not talk. A married man is perfect.
He: Discretion is my middle name.
Now to be perfectly clear, nothing happened but that conversation did take place in the midst of great laughter. I have decided that laughter is a good substitution for sex. Hottie/Sir Richard and I laugh constantly and I think it is the secret of our success. But I did laugh a lot with Jinya Ramen Man (hereinafter JRM) as well. It is somewhat scientific as previously discussed in a prior blog. Laughter activates endorphins which is a high and you do not get pregnant from laughing. Well, I never did anyway. One can laugh with a lot of people – men, women and children. It is not a good idea to have sex with men, women AND children. I am solving all of the problems of the world today while watching the England-Croatia soccer match. Multi tasking at its very best. I am much calmer today For one thing England has already scored. Somebody fouled Kane, not happy with Croatia at this moment as I am crazy about Kane.
Another conversation.
He: Candles or no candles?
Me: Pardon? Oh I see. Candles I guess. But please bring a lighter
He: I will bring a lighter.
Again much laughter. This conversation took place in the presence of one of my women friends. We all found it amusing. She is more age appropriate but she is married so I guess that is why the younger man was flirting with me. Men are strange. Hottie and I never use sexual innuendos in our conversations. I do not think so anyway. I will ask him and get back to you.
So this is the solution that Hottie and I are considering. It was my idea,
Me: I need a personal assistant. I am good at many things but not all things.
He: Your math skills are a little deficient
Me: Yes, as you well know.
He: And then you need some help being rational.
Me: Yes, I am loath to admit this but it is true. I am excellent at intuition but poor at being rational. But I am getting better.
He: You are, but only with my help.
Me: Yes but if you are not going to be my personal trainer that will go away. And then I will need a personal trainer.
He: It is true.
Me: You may be the man for the job as you are good at everything.
He: But you cannot afford me.
Me: Well how much are you?
He: $250,00 a year.
Me You must be kidding!!
He: That is just a start. Now you come up with a figure and we negotiate.
So we work away at it for ages. We have a deal and then he says:
He: 7500 pound sterling a month
Me: You are not bargaining in good faith. It was 7500 Canadian dollars and you knew that. I am not going to negotiate any more with you!
So I try another tactic.
Me: I have another resolution for this problem.
He: Marriage?
Me: I thought you would never ask.
He: I didn’t!
Me: What with the death benefit and all, it would be a good solution. And I hasten to remind you of another benefit. I am an American citizen and you want to live in New York
He: I will think about it.
Me: Well it better be fast – I can withdraw the offer.
As you can see there is no sexual innuendo going on at all. I later figure out how much money my retirement pays and I tell him. He asks for every cent of it. He is impossible, he does not want the job I can tell.
Me: Your position shall not be Personal Assistant. It shall be Cabana Boy.
He: No response at all.
I guess it is time to throw in a little serious stuff but at the moment I do not feel like it. I just picked up a new book at the library. It is The Key to Chakras. I will look at it and get back o you.
The housecleaners are due to arrive and I have to get to work here and clean up for them.
I hilariously texted to Hottie:
Me: If you loose tomorrow and need the comfort of bangers and mash let me know.
Me: If you win you will probably be drunk and hanging from some rafter. Hahahahahaha
This is now the next morning and England lost to Croatia. Only a very sad emoji from Sir Richard. I was lunching at Kingston on Richard Street, as I left for my class at VPL five English blokes walked in looking most dissolute and discontent. There was not much time to talk but I went afterwards and spoke with a Richard from Kent. He told me that I was worrying to much but proposed a solution to Sir Richard’s despair – something he called” “the sex thing”.
Me: I do not think so. We do not have that kind of a relationship.
He: Too bad. This is an emergency and drastic means may need to be employed.
Honestly all of these things do happen to me. Dear friend Jennifer emailed comforting words:.
“To borrow a phrase, “You’ve come a long way, baby”, in the last few years, but most notably since you’ve been in Vancouver. You seem to have made peace with Uncle Dave’s passing and the energy you’ve put into the book has seemingly energized you in many areas of your life. I’m so proud of you for handling this difficult anniversary. You talk about “connections”, something we all do every day in many ways, some leaving their mark and some passing on by. I think you’re rather like a magnet, some connections stick because they’re the right material, and some don’t because they’re not material that is attracted to a magnet. You meet the most interesting people, but then you’re a most interest person they get to meet. Anyway, that’s my philosophical bent the for the day.”
Receiving that email was the most precious way to end the day. It is so wonderful to have a friend like Jennifer, I am blessed. So it is onward with the day. Personal training with Sir Richard, Klaus coming by with a new DVD, and then poetry at VAG. The dreaded day has passed.
The photograph is a mug I picked up at Papyrus here in Vancouver. Faithful readers will remember that one of my nicknames is Bad Ass Squared.
