This Saturday began early, it always does, but I awoke to the sounds of birds – not those squawking sea gulls but real live birds. It is because it is spring and the guys flew back from their winter climes and here, even on the 17th floor, I could hear them and it was like music to my ears.
I texted E.H.B. who is now the Operating Manager at the (about to open) Exchange Hotel, they were having a recruiting day for new staff, which I thought I had missed.
Me: I did not show up for Job Fair. I hope it went well without me. Hahahahahaha
She: (An emoji)
Me: What did that mean? I so HATE emojis,
She: Career fair is tomorrow.
Me: Oh goodie! If my air conditioner installer gets in and out I will come in. Did you ever see my resume for the Trump? I will bring it or perhaps email it to you. I sent it to Joo Kim on June 1, 2017.
Me: (later) I found it and mailed it to you.
Chris, my computer guru and genius will attach the content of the resume to this blog – we have conversed. But my steel trap memory recalls it all. The first part is my email to Joo Kim; therefore Me is still me but He is Joo Kim. This is memory but I remember it well. The thread of this email was: Sassing You in the Lower Lobby.
Me: So I have prepared a resume and will attach it as a pdf to this email.
He: It is rather amusing. I will be sure to pass it on to the Emperor
Me: Don’t worry. I have covered my bases which is a baseball term, I gave it to him already.
So I do not hear anything about the precious resume for weeks. But one day the Emperor (former) waltzes out of Mott 32 after breakfast with his retinue in tow. As was my habit I was writing my blog outside the Mott.
The Emperor (former): Ms. McBride. Joo Kim gave your resume to the PR person, so if you have any complaints take them to her.
Me: Oh hello. So it is you I complain to.
I then gave her the finger, the royal finger, did not say a word but gave her the finger. EVERYONE died laughing.
But as we well know the Emperor lied. Joo Kim told me that he gave the resume to the Emperor and I know that I gave the Emperor (former) a copy even before sending one to Joo Kim Tiah. Joo Kim does not lie, I do not lie but the former Emperor did so constantly and continually to everyone and everybody. I suppose he is in New York still lying (like a rug) but as I said to someone, New York possibly has the malevolence to handle the likes of him. I am still here and E.H.B. is in charge of hiring. Who won? Well me and E.H.B. Who lost? I guess time will tell.
Creation of a new position utilizing my unique set of talents and skills. The name of the position shall be Accidental Goodwill Ambassador for the Trump International Hotel and I shall be answerable only to The Emperor.
FRONT DESK AND ENVIRONS
Perform the coffee run for bellman and other front desk personnel; Assist in performing Fond Farewells, waving and occasionally hugging; Use the mantra “Open Sesame” to the doors to ensure they open properly; Assign nicknames to the bellman so that they will feel comfortable and at home; Take pictures of people with their/my iPhone; Answer the phone when staff is otherwise occupied “Good morning/Good afternoon/Good Evening. etc. etc.; Use Ikebana flower arranging skills in critiquing flower arrangements
Go on tours and report back with the expertise of being a stupid tourist and knowing nothing; Attend any and all theatre productions, write reviews; make theatre suggestions to guests upon request to be augmented by a special theatre program; Cheer up the Chef Concierge as he takes his job and life too seriously; Give spontaneous support to staff. An example follows: A woman guest with five pieces of luggage was seeing a cheap and immediate ride to the airport but a regular taxi would not be operative due to the enormous baggage. I suggested she leave her five bags behind and pick them up on a subsequent visit. Chef Concierge laughed, but then, so did the guest.
On Mother’s Day 2017 I was appointed the Mom of the staff and gave hugs to staff members; I could hop like a bunny at Easter, Curtsey for Victoria Day; no ideas as yet for Father’s Day; I could drape myself in the Canadian flag for Canada Day and paint my face in red and white.Some experience as this was done for Hallowe’en 2011 (it did not go over too well but I was in the USA after all.)
Noisy kid containment done by paying attention to the child and using old fashioned skills such as Shush and Peek-A-Boo; Teach proper etiquette to potential hotel guests allowing occupancy only if they pass the test. Being a guest in this hotel should be a privilege and rude people should reside in a rude hotel; perform good will ambassador tasks such as
chatting up guests and drop-Ins. (this function is presently being performed); Model chic and appropriate dress at all times; always and at every moment repeat such phrases as: Please, Thank you, Excuse Me. Occasionally educate in the following manner: “In Canada women are allowed to exit the elevator first” but this must be said in the most dulcet of tones.
It has recently been brought to my attention that I am the first ever long term guest. The poor people that might follow will have a lot to live up to. (she said humbly) Therefore, the very least I can do is offer an extensive, concentrated seminar of proper and expected behaviors. Only the creme de la creme should be allowed this status. So There!
CHAMPAGNE BAR AND LOUNGE
Clap at the end of musical performances, dancing instructions with extra renumeration for lessons in dancing on the table; Lay taster of new items to be added to menu; Preform a once a week Stand Up Comedy Routine. (more frequently if it is proven popular)
REVIEW OF POLICIES AND PROCEDURES
The signage is not working well particularly at the W. Georgia entrance. Although there is a belief that people should be greeted; in practicality, there is a look of sheer confusion and frustration on the faces of potential guests. This shows that the lack of signage needs to be reconsidered particularly given the stupid layout of the hotel with entry off the back alley.
Either dump that ridiculous stamp program or assign one person near the door to stamp the book. Staff is always rushing off to greet these parasites, it takes necessary time away from guests which is extremely irritating.
Assist the brilliant sommelier in tasting and then consuming massive amounts of wine; Provide encouragement, support, empathy and caring to all staff, encouraging their best selves; Listen to the marvelous singing voice of C.C.C. (the second)
OTHER TASKS AS ASSIGNED BY THE EMPEROR
As long as they do not involve singing or math (see below Skill Section)..
Bachelor of Arts, University of Alberta, Edmonton, AB. J.D. San Francisco Law School, San Francisco, CA.
M.A. Dominican University, San Rafael, CA.
Completed all course work for M. A. City University London, UK
Certificate in Biography University of East Anglia, UK
Three Day Stand Up Comedy School, London UK
Twenty Years of Ikebana Flower Arranging Instruction
Tens, if not a hundred, Cooking Classes. Therefore, an established Foodie
Multiple and varied but admittedly unable to sing and not very proficient at math.
To be provided later upon request.
Suggestions for compensation will also follow. Compensation MUST include the ear phone thing so I can bug people constantly. It has been suggested that I steal someone’s in the interim but that would not be proper.