Just When I Think My Life is Weird Beyond Belief It Gets Weirder; the Colonoscopy; the Strangest and Most Happy of Valentine’s Day with Flowers I Had to Buy Myself

So first let’s get the colonoscopy out of the way. At the last minute I could not find my phone but then I did but I thought I was running late. Lion’s Gate Hospital is like all things in Vancouver – there are no signs anywhere and finding anything is like finding a needle in a haystack. Then finding the Endoscopy Clinic is another adventure. However, a very helpful volunteer escorted me – such a nice man. Of course there were forms but then it was off with the clothes, put on a hospital gown and then get poked in the arm for an IV. With all of the scans and blood work I have had in the last week and a half I resemble a pin cushion.Then I was wheeled into a room that made me feel like a movie star as there were screens all over. My original nurse Rita was replaced with another nurse and then the doctor came into the room. The replacement nurse got me to lie on my side and do some contorted things with my legs.

Me: My goodness, this positioning is more difficult than sex.

Nurse: Oh my goodness. If you are saying things like that before the drug, goodness knows what you will be saying when we inject you.

Well the drug they inject is the same drug as women are given in cases of date rape. If you feel pain or anything you do not remember when you wake up. I vaguely recall some cramping but it didn’t seem major. Oh my goodness, I cannot imagine what I must have said and am almost embarrassed to go back for my follow up appointment. I have a great deal of respect for the doctor and he is related to some one I once knew.

So the next thing I knew I woke up back in the ward. A nurse said that my ride had called and said she could not make it. I cannot believe it. Jasmine Clarke flaked out at the last minute. I was outraged but the nurse wisely said that we had to solve the problem.

He: Think of someone else who can come and get you.

Me: There is no one else. I recently moved to Vancouver.

He: Well you can’t go home in a taxi as they just leave you off at the door. But there is a service called Driving Miss Daisy if you have a credit card.

Me: Well a credit card and money to pay it.

He: Yes! It will cost you about one hundred dollars.

Me: OK! I will call them.

I made the call and a wonderful woman called Crystal came and picked me up and gave me a ride home in a SUV. We had the best time together, chatting away. A service like that is gold and will be a continuing resource as I do not have a car and do not want one. Jasmine Clarke did not even offer an apology. I will never see her again. Well I might see her as she works at a restaurant that I occasionally frequent but believe me, I will never sit in her section. I told the entire story to Hottie who bosses me around sometimes. He agreed that my approach was the best.

I asked him to weigh me and I have lost another pound and a half. That will be eight and a half pounds since June. Excellent! It was Valentine’s Day yesterday and I asked each and every personal trainer at the Equinox the following question.

Me: Where are my flowers, it is Valentine’s Day?

The prize answer goes to E.H. for the best answer with the second best to Steamy San Francisco.

E.H. I did not get you flowers as they are only temporary. My love for you is eternal and everlasting.

Steamy San Francisco: Alexis, your flowers are in the mail.

But a man that was working out in the gym whom I had spoken to before had the most unique answer.

He: Where are MY flowers? If you buy me flowers and bring them to my home I will go to bed with you.

Me: What is your address?

Well, i was only joking but he took off very quickly and will probably never to be seen again in the gym. I went to the 49th Parallel and bought myself a heart shaped cruller. I sat next to two gay men and we had a great chat and I will email one of them later in the day. I took a picture of the cruller and put it on Instagram. I spoke to one of the chefs at 49th Parallel an asked him if he bought flowers for his girlfriend.

He: No I did not, but I had her bike fixed and I am taking her to dinner.

Me: What a prize you are! I never had anyone like you!

He: Well you need to meet to someone doing something you love doing. I met her in Nepal on a trek.

Me: Well, I like to go to bed.

He: Then you should go to Sleep City.

Me: Thank you for the tip.

Next I i spoke to an extremely helpful woman at Virgin Mobile and got a new plan and perhaps I will get a new phone. I bought my own damn flowers at a flower stand on Burrard and Granville and then went to my very favorite Japanese restaurant and reacquainted myself with Peru Guy eating an exquisite lunch at the sushi bar. i met an interesting woman and we will meet there next Wednesday. Then to Social Corner where they gave me a vase to place my flowers. What great people there. I took a picture and posted it on Instagram showing the flowers in a vase. Then to visit with Alexis at Noodle Box and then home. At home, the best surprise from a wonderful man via emails but I am not telling what it was – well two surprises actually. So it ended up being the best Valentine’s Day ever had my whole life, I do believe. A picture of the cruller and the vase of flowers will be attached.

I woke up this morning to an Instagram from an engineer in the Ukraine who was trying to pick me up. He asked me how old I was, I told him and that was that. The damn fire alarm is beeping because the battery was dead. I emailed Klaus, the most wonderful realtor in the world and he came and replaced the battery. I adore him.

So it is a lazy day today with no appointments scheduled. I exchanged emails with Adele, with Bruce and with Lynne. All Canadians who I have known for years and years. Oh yes, and an email from the wonderful man who does live quite close by but is moving but not far away, just to the West End. I do have a great life and I am most grateful.

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