Several month ago I was corresponding with Joo Kim Tiah (perhaps, see blog of December 10, 2017 ). He was in Asia at the time, i was in Vancouver.
Me: You are attempting to take over Vancouver by acquisition; I am using charm; best you return quickly because I am winning.
He: No response. I am not sure if he is back as yet but I fear he waited too long. My charm and effect on this city is enhanced by Instagram, my new platform. Yesterday a video was posted. It shows me blabbing away at Equinox. The video and answers to questions posed by the gym is being entered into an Equinox competition – worldwide I think. Everyone that has seen the application is convinced that we will win. So you can see the first segment by going to Instagram – for whatever reason I am alexismctwit. Another video showing me actually walking up the stairs with weights will be posted on Monday. Those of you who have heard about,(but not seen) Hottie will get to see him. As you can see, he is hot. Terribly young for me but HOT.
I was standing in line at Vancouver Public Library last week and chatting with the man behind me. A couple stood endlessly at the check out and i, in my inpatient manner said: “What is going on there, are they seeking asylum or something? The man laughed. Eventually the couple were finished and walked by. In a friendly fashion I asked what was going and provided them with my conjecture that hey were seeking asylum. The woman and I had the best conversation exchanging life stories. The man behind me in the line up was amazed.
He: I have never seen anyone like you! You have a way about you. Most people would say: “None of your business!” or “Get away from me!”. But you disarm people and she was so friendly, sharing her life story with you.
Me; Yes, it is strange. Norm, an employee at the Trump International Hotel, once said that I had no walls, that I talk to people like I have known them my whole life. I just do it.
He: Have you always been like that?
Me: I don’t think so. There are some advantages to being old, one can become bolder N.S.N. (also at the Trump) said: “Yes you have no walls. We keep trying to build some up around you but you keep tearing them down!”
It was a joke but it was true – boy did they try to build walls. I now call the place the Rump International Prison. (RIP for short). I had a four month sentence and I was not released on good behavior. But I am now free and do not return to the place of confinement. (To new readers, I was their first long term hotel guest, and probably last. For two reasons, it is impossible to replace me and they don’t want to go through that again. hahahahaha) ). I look back at those days and cannot imagine how I endured. It was so plastic, unreal and false. Moreover, populated by people who led lives of quiet desperation. That is a borrowed phrase, ‘quiet desperation’ – not sure of the origin but such a profound concept and expression.
Back to paragraph two, I was standing in line to get three books. One of them: You Must Be From Canada IF. It is so funny and so apt to the Returning Canadian, which is me. Here are some that were meaningful.
Your mother tied your mittens together. (that was me)
It’s impossible to dress for the weather
You know that the Canadian goose is the asshole of the bird family.
Canada is your new home.
You say Zed, not Zee.
Thanksgiving is a month earlier without the pilgrims and football.
You go into a sports bar and curling is on.
To chill your beer you only need to put them on the deck.
All of these hysterical lines are accompanied with illustrations, like a guy being chased by a Canadian goose and a little kid with a snow suit and strings with mittens. I do absolutely love living so close to the library, and having a card, and talking to people in a line up. Could life get any better? Nope.
I write of another experience. I impulsively stopped for lunch at a Japanese restaurant on Granville. Oh my goodness, am I ever happy I did that! I had the best of times, the sushi was so fresh, the miso soup the best I have ever tasted and the tempura exquisitely light. I joked with the sushi chefs.
Me: I don’t look Japanese but I am so Japanese.
Them: How could that be?
Me: Well, I took Ikebana flower arranging for twenty years, I wrote a graduate level paper on the meaning of Ikebana and I went to Japan with my sensei. It changed my life!
Them: Welcome to Japan.
It was so encouraging, everyone so friendly and there was a woman sushi chef. I was blown away because I had never seen a woman sushi chef. She assured me that it was fairly common in Japan. Then wait until you hear this! One of the employees and I talked a great deal. His nickname is Matchu Pitchi, he has it tattooed on his ankle. What a clever idea that is. I am thinking of doing the same thing as there are not that many pain receptors on your ankle and I will have my short nickname scrolled on my skin. B.A, (squared). It stands for Bachelor of Arts (from the University of Alberta) and Bad Ass. I congratulated Matchu Pitchi on his accent.
Me: Where are you from?
Me: Oh, where in Australia?
He: Port Macquarie, NSW
Me: OMG! You must be kidding?!?!
Me: I have a cousin who lives there! I have never actually met her, but she has become a big part of my life because of the book I am writing about our uncle.
He: What is her name?
I told him. His mother works with her. Well, worked as my cousin just retired. What is the likelihood of all that?
We spoke of many other things, like phony religiosity for one. He wrote this. “A Christian does good deeds out of the fear of God. An Atheist does good deeds, not for the fear of God, but the goodness in their hearts.” I am down on religion these days. I have been done in (sort of) by three men – all of whom profess to be religious. Friend Colette said something so clever. “You get the after life you believe in.” So all of these men believe in heaven. But you don’t get heaven without hell. So all are going to hell because of their treatment of me. So I can do what my uncle told me to do. “Alexis, stop fighting. Just go stand on the sidelines and watch. They will do themselves in.” And, they are already without even dying.
The picture is one I posted on Instagram of the sake at the marvelous Japanese restaurant on Granville Street.