I am here at Lot Guan Lye hospital getting ready for the second round. I have two eyes therefore two cataracts. Left eye is cataract free, soon right eye will be in the same condition. This time I am having general anesthetic – not going through the pain of going, as I said bare back.
This morning woke up extremely depressed!! The man with many nicknames called to wish me well on this surgery day. I am sure he regretted it! He is to be congratulated on his bravery. brave.
He: How are you feeling?
Me: Not good! I just want to die.(weeping convulsively)
We chatted, I tried to cheer up (for him more than me). Spoke of an Australian woman met at the E & O Lounge who lived in Broome. She told of her involvement in an aboriginal health care program providing dialysis as kidney disease was rampant in the population. I had never heard of such a humanitarian program, so caring, so worthwhile. Being involved in such a program would be something worth living for. He is most well informed, intimately aware of Australia having an Australian passport and all.
At the conclusion of the call I received a surprising text.
He: All the best. You will do great. I am so proud of you. You inspire me.
Me: How could I inspire you?? I was not at my best grouchy and self pitying.
He: Bravery is not about the absence of fear it is about feeling the fear and still moving forward and through it.
Me: Wow!!! That is profound!!! Courage is to able to look and your fears and allow yourself to feel.
Gave him another new nickname. BFE – Best Friend Ever. (And he is) Strangely enough and improbably enough. I have had male friends before. Three actually. One, Bruce, was my friend from when I was 19 until the dissolving of the friendship when I was about 75. Two men, both gay friends from when I was 24 until I was 71. None of these friendships survived the changes I went through – all three men required em to behave toward them in a certain way – amusing, but helpless, looking to them for advice and guidance. Never could I express feelings of sadness, or unhappy thoughts, anger or anything other than complete devotion to them. Moving to London changed it all, With Bruce it was the success of the blog, with increasing self esteem and self worth. Being able to be me, warts and all. It is so freeing. (If you describe someone or accept them warts and all, you describe them or accept them as they are, including all their faults.) I expect perfection from myself, it is no wonder that I do considering my choice of friends.
Now October 1, 2024
Surgery done. Photo of immediate after effect will not be shown. I was not looking real good. But gradually I am recovering. Being gassed was magic. Seemingly seconds later the surgical team brought great joy.
They: It is done. Our work is done.
Me: Alhamdulillah Alhamdullah
Somewhat later this from a BFE correspondence. He had sent a sticker, a man speaking a foreign tongue.
MeL I am alive I think What is the guy in the sticker saying? .
He: Yes brother, Sorry I do not have the Yes sister version.
Me: That is okay. I will have s sex change operation. Know anyone with a spare penis. My sense of humor has returned.
He: I know a joke about spare penises. I share it with you when we speak.
Have subsequently thought more that the freedom to be sad and supported. It surely did allow the return of the optimistic me. It does remind me of the truism – there is no bitter without sweet, no joy without sorrow. Subsequently sent a smiling a ‘better picture’
Me: Slightly better.
He:He. Great to see you smile again.
Then told him the good news. My room in the E & O Annex is the best room in the house according to an employee. Wow. I did not ask for it. Actually it was the least expensive alternative for those days. Of course, I did not make the reservation. Patrick did. Patrick being the room manager I met on my first visit to the E and O.
Good fortune smiled on me again!!! An utterly amazing experience, an unbelievable one which could only have been possible with my cataract free eyes which allow me to focus on both near and far. Boarded the elevator breakfast bound. A darling little girl in a pink dress with unicorn emblem was already on the elevator with her mother.
Me: I absolutely LOVE unicorns. They are my very favorite.
Her mother translated. She smiled in delight. The breakfast buffet was enormous , so many people! The little girl found me, ran toward me armed with her phone, translating. She is eight, from China,
She: You are so beautiful.
Me: Look at these photos of my unicorns. .
Scrolled through my photos, finally finding a photo of the inflatable unicorn given to me by members of the Royal Family of Qatar on December 31, 2019. That began my love affair with unicorns which had been temporarily, perhaps, put on hold because of my refugee status. My unicorn collection must be in storage in California. Her mother joined the two of us. They live in Nanking, not one of the cities I visited during my San Rafael California Dominican University tour of China twenty years ago. We vowed to see one another, but it did not come to pass.
I briefly toyed with the idea of returning to China, observing the active Muslim community, but reality set in. I will never forget this little eight year old and our experience together, bonding over unicorns, but am feeling that I need, perhaps to settle down somewhere, first.
October 4, 2024
I am now back at Lexis Suites with my 20/20 vision. Habitually I reach for my glasses, suddenly laughingly realizing I no longer need them. I tease Lexis Suites staff members.
Me: Oh, that is what you look like. You are not as handsome as I originally thought.
This morning went for a walk along the beach, taking photos of the colorful fishing boats.
Photographs will include todays photos and one from my Annex enormous room. It was sent with the following message.
Me: I am sharing this magnificent gift. Can you imagine how blessed I feel to have this beauty to greet me. Alhamdulillah. Of course, I now have the eyes to see it. It seems so selfish to have this grandeur to myself. But my aloneness helps me celebrate it more.
He: Wow! This is mazing. I’ll get back to you later heading to the shutdown. Have fun in your small Jannah on earth.
Me: Thanks for this great message. From Jannah to you in the pits. Hahaha
Another conversation.
He: Morning. You called when I was asleep
Me: It was not me, I do not think. One of your other harem, I guess. How can you keep us all sorted out? Alphabet or youngest to the oldest??
He sent several laughing emoji.
One of the photos attached, from the morning walk on the beach.
Me: Our fixer upper on the beach next door to Lexis Suites.
