This has been a dreadful week for Canadians and the world in general with the death of our Queen. If I was laughing, joking and making merry in the midst of it – it would be downright offensive. But we all need some relief from this. But a very quick catch up – both Sandersons are dead in Saskatchewan. The main man, the boss man I guess you could call him, was captured on a remote road in Saskatchewan – the RCMP rammed his car, took him too into custody and almost immediately he died. So it looks like some investigation of needs (and hopefully will) be done. There is a great deal happening on the political front with the NDP and Liberals forging cooperation and the introduction of new legislation which will form a safety net for the needy. King Charles III is gracefully assuming leadership – a great photo with him and the new Prime Minister, a woman and was the topic of a prior conversation on this very blog. But we shall frolic off to some humor.
Andy Borowitz is here with us. Title: Putin Says He is Losing the War in the Ukraine Because the F.B.I Seized the Stuff That He Needed.
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Amid reports that the Russian front has collapsed near Kharkiv, Vladimir Putin complained that the only reason he is losing the war in Ukraine is that the F.B.I. recently seized stuff he needed.
“I’m not going to go into detail, but there were things I needed, very important things, that the F.B.I. has confiscated that should have been sent to me,” the Russian President said. “If I had those things right now, I wouldn’t be getting my ass kicked all over Kharkiv.”The fact that materials intended for him are in the hands of the F.B.I. has made him question “whether America is really a democracy,” he said.
“I think if you pay for something—and I mean pay in cash—it should be sent to you,” he said. “Hopefully the special master will straighten all this out.”
I guess my favorite portion is his questioning America’s democracy because “when you pay in cash it should be sent to you.” I do hope the special master can straighten it out for the poor guy, hope it is not too late. Haha
More humour arrived today in the form of the magazine section of The New Yorker. It featured a hilariously funny article about my favorite woman comedian Amy Schumer it is entitled Amy Schumer’s Mom Com: A comic adapts her bawdy, bodily routines to marriage and parenthood.
This is how it begins. “Not long after Amy Schumer won a Peabody Award for her sketch-comedy series, “Inside Amy Schumer,” in 2015, she appeared on the “Late Show with David Letterman.” She had been making “Inside Amy” for three seasons, and Letterman asked if she found that it was getting easier with time. “I find that I’m getting easier,” she said. “But the show . . .” She shook her head, her expression a mask of guilelessness. (As always with Schumer, the raciness of what she was suggesting was offset by the wholesomeness of her face. She “kind of looks Amish,” in her own description, “kind of Cabbage Patch-y up top.”)
I continued the read but found the article, although funny, vulgar. Using women’s sexuality as humour (even if you are one) is rather insensitive particularly in light of all the horrors and death that is surrounding us these days.
In the meantime Andy Borowitz arrivedwith more of his satire. I woman is featured but it is her politics that is being ridiculed. Lauren Boebert Says that The Nineteenth Amendment Does Not Exist Because God Gave Moses Only Ten Amendments. WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As critics questioned whether she knew what the Nineteenth Amendment is, Rep. Lauren Boebert stated that “the Nineteenth Amendment doesn’t exist because God gave Moses only Ten Amendments.” The Colorado lawmaker said that people who believe that there are nineteen amendments “need to turn off their NPR and pick up the good ol’ Bible.”
I do love that, turn off public radio and pick up the good ol’ Bible. Then the satire continues:
“God stood up on that mountain and said, ‘Here you go, Moses, my top Ten Amendments,’ ” she said. “Where are these bozos getting the idea that there are nineteen?”
Boebert said that God gave Moses only Ten Amendments “because more than that would be hard to chisel into the tablets and whatnot,” she said.
“If you had nineteen amendments, Moses would have had to carve ten on one tablet and eight on the other,” she said.
I do admit that it took me three reads before I saw the “ten on one tablet and eight on the other.” Now that is FUNNy – do not know who Boebert is and do not particularly want to know who she is. The joys of returning to Canada.
But here is another New Yorker entry. For the UnderInsured: A Combination Eye and Psych Examination. Here is the link: https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/for-the-underinsured-a-combination-eye-and-psych-exam?utm_source=onsite-share&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=onsite-share&utm_brand=the-new-yorker
“As a cost-saving measure for our valuable valued customers, we, the HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANY™, have kindly merged our eye and psychological exams. Simply take a few moments to answer our prompts below, and we can diagnose you as a nearsighted neurotic or an anxious astigmatic. Just tell us “Better or Worse?” and “Crazier or Saner?” Than you, and we look forward to curing bilking treating you.
Oops, it seems this one has already been filled in. Anyway, have a good day, and this doesn’t count toward your deductible.
Here is something hysterically funny from The New Yorker dealing with an extremely serious topic.
“With all the record-shattering temperatures and terrifying wildfires, should my partner and I bring another human into this world?
If you live in California: LOL, no. If you don’t live in California: yes! Biblical, city-levelling floods in Germany and a hundred-and-twenty-degree heat domes in the Pacific Northwest are just getting “warmed up” (so to speak) for their environmentally destructive workout routine. So have kids now before conditions get way, way worse—in, like, three months.
If future generations will inherit a toxic and parched wasteland, how do I insure that my potential children will have a purpose in life?
Happiness is totally relative, and your kids will not miss what they never had, including breathable air. In thirty-five years, when fighting to the death for basic resources with a sharpened Wizarding World of Harry Potter wand, your kids will undoubtedly feel a deep, visceral satisfaction at being the toughest scavengers around, even if they’re missing some fingers and most of their humanity.
Well, if everything is getting hotter, shouldn’t we just move farther north to have kids?
While the north is traditionally colder, we regret to inform you that rising temperatures will not only melt the glaciers, belching out humongous craters in the permafrost, but also uncover reindeer corpses from the Ice Age that will release ancient anthrax into the air. Fun!
If my partner and I were hypothetically members of the world’s ultra-wealthy one per cent, our newborn would be immune to the apocalypse, right?
Nope. There is nowhere on this planet left to hide—except for Peter Thiel’s mega-bunker in New Zealand, or on the artificial mini-earth that you could build on the moon using the billions from your “N.F.T.s in Space” venture.
So, let me get this straight—you’re saying that avoiding a lifetime of suffering involves hoarding immoral amounts of wealth in order to recreate the pastoral conditions of my childhood for my lunar family at the expense of literally everyone else?
Yes.
How is it fair that I’m being forced to have kids in difficult, undesirable circumstances? How am I supposed to achieve self-actualization through my kids if I also have to worry about things like murderous hailstorms and reindeer anthrax?
You can’t—self-actualization is an illusion, an unreachable nirvana that’s been financially weaponized by self-help charlatans and trust-fund kids to convince you to buy their $4.99 e-book. Death comes to us all.
How is it fair that I’m being forced to have kids in difficult, undesirable circumstances? How am I supposed to achieve self-actualization through my kids if I also have to worry about things like murderous hailstorms and reindeer anthrax?
You can’t—self-actualization is an illusion, an unreachable nirvana that’s been financially weaponized by self-help charlatans and trust-fund kids to convince you to buy their $4.99 e-book. Death comes to us all.
Wow. These F.A.Q.s are getting quite personal—and, frankly, a bit mean. It is you, Sir F.A.Q., who shouldn’t bring children into this world!
. . .
I’m sorry. I got carried away, and I’d like to reset. My partner has abruptly announced that she is leaving me after suffering through my “thousandth nihilistic man-baby meltdown” (her words). Any tips on post-apocalyptic single parenthood?
No.”
The article had amusing pictures, Here is the link: https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/should-you-have-a-baby-during-the-global-apocalypse-an-faq?utm_source=onsite-share&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=onsite-share&utm_brand=the-new-yorker
It has occurred to me that those that already have children will not find this funny. This is not my problem, Do not laugh then. I cannot be reached through the blog so complain to yourself.
