Both my real life and this blog is a curious mixture of pathos and humour. My very favorite behavior trait is my sense of humor. It beats out my intelligence, my perservence, my two other inherited behavior traits I can think of at the moment. The other two have escaped from my memory bank.
The American Psychological Association tells us what a behavior trait is.
“A relatively stable, consistent, and enduring internal characteristic that is inferred from a pattern of behaviors, attitudes, feelings, and habits in the individual. The study of personality traits can be useful in summarizing, predicting, and explaining an individual’s conduct, and a variety of personality trait theories exist, among them. From the dictionary.apa.org
I am also though very intellectual, serious minded, inquisitive and very recently, religious. The juxtaposition of position of these two behavior traits can be rather mind boggling the strangest of happenings occur in conjunction with one another. The extremely hilarious Bubble story shall follow.
I am fasting today, communicating with a friend on WhatsApp.
Me: Talking with you made the time go faster. Thanks.
He: No worries..my pleasure.
Me: Less than four hours to go. No dates to break the fast in this stupid hotel Look what I had to use!
Photo of me with a Lexus Biscuit in my mouth.
Me Using it again.
He As long as not using your bubbles.
Me: I guess our conversation can be a great lead for the STORY of the bubbles. You can retain your anonymity as Bubbles.
I had been staying at Lexis Suites for about six weeks. Many Saudi couples come here to spend their honeymoon – this is a destination resort for them. You can tell they are Saudis because the women are clad entirely in black from head to toe – the men (thankfully) wearing Western clothes. ( I got so sick and tired of those ridiculous white thobes. Asked a Saudi man why they wore them.
He: It is traditional
Me: It is not. I have seen many photos of King AbulAziz taken in the 1940s – nobody is wearing those white dresses that take hours to wash, starch and iron. And besides you can do nothing, not work, not play wearing them with scarves on your heads.
Oops got a bit off topic there. Malaysian men wear ordinary clothes, a slight variation of Western clothes but ones that do not require some woman to devote herself to keeping her husband clean.
Back on topic. One day went across the street to Swiss Pharmacy and saw an enormous array of condoms. Wondered why all the Saudis were here on their honeymoon – thought I might have the answer. Fortunately had a Saudi male friends.
Me: I am asking you this question because I do not know who else to ask. Is it possible to buy condoms in Saudi Arabia.
He: (Laughing) Of Course, all over. They even come in flavors.
Me: Really?? A flavor like bubble gum. Hahaha
He: Hahaha
I did not think much about all of that until one day last week. I went to Swiss Pharmacy for medication, saw the vast collection of condoms deciding to get a package, take a photo and send it to my Bali friend. The ‘flavor’ was strawberry and I was going to say.
Me: Oops too bad, I hate strawberries unfortunately.
It was a total joke. I am a Muslim woman and cannot fornicate without being married (we are not) and I am too old to need them (further description not needed). For various reasons never have I used a condom. (Or had someone use one). Right now you are saying TMI, but you are going to get more (perhaps useful) information.
For any of you who do not know (as I did not) a condom is a thin rubber sheath worn on a man’s penis during sexual intercourse as a contraceptive or as a protection against infection. The origin of the word is as follows: early 18th century: of unknown origin; often said to be named after a physician who invented it, but no such person has been traced. I guess the guy was hiding out, who would want such a thing bearing your name??)
Some synonyms are: Johnny, rubber, safe, skin, protective, Frenchy, something for the weekend.
All of this is a surprise to me and probably you as well.
Well, this was a secret joke. Just between me, the wonderful women at Swiss Pharmacy, Amy and the guy. However there was a surprise, not anticipated by anyone – much less me. I was writing in bed, not expecting any ‘visitors’. Telephone call.
Me: Alexis here.
She: Can you please let the staff in – they need to exchange the safe?
Me: Cannot you do it tomorrow – I am busy right now.
She: No it must be done today.
So I answered the door. There had to be a six handsome young Malaysian men with a safe or two.
They: We are coming to make you safe.
Me: Dears – at my age that is not a problem.
So we all laughed – they took the old safe, replaced it with a new one. All was well. Suddenly one looked at the bed. In plain sight there was my computer, my purse and the box of condoms.
He: What are the bubbles doing there? What are you doing with bubbles?
I explained, but do not think anyone believed me and the word is out – everyone knows about me and my bubbles.
I sent a photo to the Intended with the following message.
Me: This is the climax of the story so to speak.
He: LOLOLOL OKKKK
Me: Five guys on staff in my room. One looks at my bed and said: What is a bubble doing on your bed? Well its a long story. I never used a bubble condum my whole. Idea. I had NO idea they were coming. The Lexis guys. They came to keep me safe. Exchanging on safe for another. Surprise! I was fasting and writing from bed.
Later found much to my horror that I was rather mean to him.
Me: I guess you are playing hard to get. I am IMPOSSIBLE to get. By you anyway, a mere mortal man. I am waiting for Jannah. You will not be there for various reasons. Many reasons to numerous to mention.
He: well I am going to hell, am just trying to soften the landing as much as possible.
Me: I am not going to be there for you to land on. Go find another.
He: Hey, it does concern me hearing this. I don’t know what to do or how to help if that it what you expect, but I said I would talk to you next weekend, does that work for you???
Me: Obviously not.
Well, things were not looking good, that is for sure. Then Tuesday struck.
Me: Complicated but I had a post traumatic stress attack yesterday and then later got terrible itching on my face. Saw a doctor got good symptom relief but remaining problems. Yeah, talk on the weekend but let me know sometime about when it will happen. Or not until to you. Either is fine with me. I am terrified by the way.
He: Ok I will try to call sometime today. I am UG now and we have text capacity but cannot put calls through.
Me: Okay that is sweet of you /. I will write something for the blog about what happened and put it in an email for thou. Darn maybe you are are not such a bad guy after all. Sheeeet. Sense of humor intact but I am really scared. PST terrible and lasting effects. And nothing you can do about it. But my self preservation is intact and I know what I am doing. FABULOUS care and support from everyone. No photo I look like am 181 years, not days. Hahaha
So he called and we talked for a couple of hours and laughed. This is not exactly romantic talk as I remember it.
He: I’ll tell you great news this weekend.
Me: How wonderful. We both have good news. That is synchronicity.
But he gave me no hint of what he news might be and a long period of silence. Therefore I text in sheer desperation.
Me: The great news? You are pregnant!! Is it a boy or a girl? Either is fine with me . I hope the kid has blue eyes but it is doubtful.
Still no response from him but in the meantime go down and tell the Lexis Suites men about the pregnancy.
They: Oh No! The bubble must have had a hole or something. That is what must have happened. So he got pregnant.
Me: Well I guess accidents happen. Glad I did not use them as a birth control device.
Still no answer from the expectant mother. Therefore I sent the following text.
Me: Maybe its twins.
He: Oh dear !
Me: That would would be exceptionally good news. One boy one girl. One with blue eyes and one with brown. What will we call them? The girl should have my Muslim name, Alaa. The boy a Mexican name. Pedro, perhaps maybe Jose. Wetback maybe not.
He: One of my mentors is Mexican American and he was called wetback growing up, now he owns a castle in Scotland, so not a bad Name.
Me: Your (I guess our) son would have a castle named after him in Scotland. A great beginning. Tell the Lexis Suites boys about the names. They were first horrified but now they are happy knowing Wetback will have a castle named after him. .
This a subsequent conversation, coming to no surprise, I am sure, to the poor man.
Me: Sometimes I can be a b on wheels
He politely did not respond, either one way or the other. The guy is a saint.
Photos will be of the bubble on the bed with computer and purse, my breaking the fax with the Lexus biscuit. Also attached to the blog either on YouTube or other will be an explanation of what happened to me. Amy recorded it the other day and it was sent to all of the staff at Lexis Suites, worried about my wellbeing. Also on either YouTube or this blog the answer to the interminable question: Where are you from?
Interminable is the perfect word: endless (often used hyperbolically).
This is how frequently “Where Are You From” has been asked. You shall see how painful it has been for me and why I am fighting back. Pilgrims, Malaysians, tourists from every country ask that question constantly in a never-ending, unending, without end, nonstop, everlasting, ceaseless, incessant, constant, continual,, sustained; monotonous, tedious, wearisome, long-winded, long-drawn-out, overlong, rambling, meandering, laborious, countless, untold, multitudinous, multifarious, innumerable, numberless, indeterminable, myriad, legion.
Those days are over. I got the answer ready for them. Probably no one will ever ask me again. Hahahaha
