I will never forget the nightmare evening in the Kohbar Garden Inn Hotel, standing at the elevator suddenly remembering then repeating again and again a Samuel Beckett ‘trilogy’ that has been with me most of my life.
“I can’t go on. You must go on. I will go on.”
Decided to learn more about those words that sustained me that night which seems now, so long ago. As I begin to write I have no idea where this will ‘go’
The Internet rewarded me with a long article from The Guardian .
“Beckett came to believe failure was an essential part of any artist’s work, even as it remained their responsibility to try to succeed. His best-known expressions of this philosophy appear at the end of his 1953 novel The Unnamable – “ … you must go on. I can’t go on. I’ll go on” – and in the 1983 story Worstward Ho – “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”
The autobiographical article speaks of the many failures that haunted Beckett’s early artistic career. Learned so much about him by reading this article. It made me feel comfortable with the many changes I have encountered since leaving California for London in 2013 .
“Beckett was rudderless in his late 20s and early 30s (which, thanks to the allowance he received following his father’s death, he could just about afford to be). He wandered for much of the 1930s, having walked out of a lectureship at Trinity College, Dublin. He returned to Paris, then moved to London, where he wrote the novel Murphy and underwent Kleinian psychoanalysis. He toured Germany, and in 1937 settled in Paris, where he lived until his death in 1989. During the second world war, he joined the resistance, fled Paris to escape arrest, and lived penuriously in Roussillon. These years of wandering and war and want influenced the character of his later work. In 1945, working at a Red Cross hospital in Saint-Lô, he wrote an essay about the ruins of the town, “bombed out of existence in one night”, and described “this universe become provisional”. Versions of this ruin strewn landscape and post-disaster environment would characterise the settings and atmosphere of much of his later work.”
The images from Beckett’a reading are decidedly bleak.
In the final scene of The End, the narrator is chained to a leaking boat, his life seemingly draining away. It is the monumental bleakness of works such as these (often shot through with splinters of sharp humour), that Harold Pinter was writing of in a letter of 1954 when he called Beckett “the most courageous, remorseless writer going, and the more he grinds my nose in the shit the more I am grateful to him”.
I cannot imagine anything worse, being chained to a leaking boar with my life seemingly draining away. This would be even worse than being betrayed by certain staff members at the Kohbar Garden Inn Hotel, I somewhat laugh at the name of the principal protagonist on that evening of shame. Walid Abu Shady, Rooms Division Manager. Goodness knows he was a shady character with a shady attitude. A shady attitude is described as lacking respectability in character or behavior or appearance. All three would apply to Walid Abu Shady. The new General Manager, whose first name is Tony is a recent hire. He totally lacks empathy, so probably is a hypocrite and/or a psychopath. There is actually an Arab word for psychopath, written about in on the blog. The world is full of them, it seems that Saudi Arabia has more than its fair share.
To have more than a fare share is to have a lot or more than enough of something bad:
It would be horrible if that were my last memory of the days in Saudi Arabia. If I ever return to that hotel, I will return a different person. . A person with no illusions – the people there are not my friends but there is not much more they can do to hurt me.
I am bowed but unbroken, this coming from the poem Invictus, first published in 1875 and was inspired by the poet’s personal experiences. The word “invictus” is Latin for “unconquerable” or “undefeated,” and it serves as a fitting title for a poem that explores themes of resilience in the face of personal struggles.
“The story told in the movie and book Invictus demonstrates the power of self confidence and optimism. Nelson Mandela’s supreme self confidence allowed him to unify a nation when most thought that it was headed for a bloody civil war.” I have self confidence, I have optimism. I am unconquerable, particularly with the right people by my side. Most recently I have people at my side, for the first time in my whole long life. I do not need them in my life, I want them in my life. I enjoy my own company, as did Samuel Beckett. “I don’t find solitude agonising, on the contrary”, he wrote in a letter of 1959. “Holes in paper open and take me fathoms from anywhere.”
But there is another side to me. My Instagram self. Two reels will be shown. The Return of the Abaya Part One and Part Two. One reel, which was actually made for the consumption of one man has earned 3,879 views. The other received 1207 views.
More Instagram information and some, what I consider gifts. The menu of this blog has an About Me section. I quote from it
“Every time a woman stands up for herself without knowing it, without claiming it, she stands up for all women – Maya Angelo. This is appearing in About Me because it remains my motto and and the underlying motto and inspiration of this blog.”
The day before yesterday a reel appeared on Instagram. It was Maya Angelo, being her incredible self. It must be viewed – and you shall get the opportunity. I sent it to many ‘friends’ with the caption: This is me.
I do not think that any one responded – but their response is not necessary. One can become too reliant upon the approval of others – people’s response to anything can be arbitrary and capricious.. In other words, you cannot count on people because they can be fickle, erratic, inconsistent, flighty or haphazard. The folk in the Kohbar Garden Inn were, to say the least, unpredictable and unstable. The one way, the ONLY way, is to trust in Allah (SWT). The Maya Angelo tape may be found here: https://www.instagram.com/reel/C5Y_FwMNMlq/?igsh=MzVobGFvbnd1aGZm. It is definitely a Must See.
Speaking of being changeable – I am remaining in this Jeddah hotel for two more days. I developed an allergic reaction to a medication I took – breaking out in a rash that resembles measles. You will be happy to learn that I received treatment – the best of treatment as shall be revealed later. It is best that I remain at rest and near to the extremely competent physicians at the Al Salama Hospital. Two photos were taken in the lobby of this hotel.
