Faithful readers will remember R from the blog of October 13, 2019. To quote from the beginning of his unsolicited text: “I think I might have fucked up the most intimate situation in the universe. When I met u I was baffled by your infatuation. Now I am left urning with desire…..” More text followed accompanied by a telephone call. However, he got more than a little perturbed because, I (guess) sent him one too many texts asking him to provide necessary information for a parking permit. Then came this; “I don’t think this is going to work” and he was a no show. Our correspondence continued and this is how it ended:
He: Because of how all over the place u are please don’t acknowledge me if u see me either in Marin or in the city. I will do the same.
Me No problem! But you are on my blog of tomorrow unnamed! You look like the person you are, it is not pretty, I am not going to Marin much, so no problem, and the City is a big place. Besides, I do not remember what you look like. But I do think you are too handsome for your own good. Imagine that 210,000 blog hits a year, people reading about how foolish you are.
I guess I won that round. But good news came of this fiasco. I know how to get a parking permit and a perfectly reliable young man is coming to visit this Sunday. He always shows up, sometimes a little late. I have known him for about 22 years. So good came from evil. What is a fiasco? A complete failure, especially a ludicrous or humiliating one. Its synonyms are: failure, disaster, catastrophe, debacle, shambles, farce, mess, wreck, ruin, ruination, blunder, botch, abortion; informal flop, washout, dud, hash, lead balloon, foul-up, screw-up, fail; British informal pig’s ear, cock-up, car crash; North American informal snafu; Australian/NZ informal fizzer; vulgar slang fuck-up, balls-up. ANTONYMS success.
So there you are, pick one, two or three of these synonyms. R was a debacle, a dud, a peg’s ear and a cock-up. But, in the end, I was not harmed, For me, a success as I have the ins and outs of achieving a parking permit. But him, Mr. R.? If you believe his introductory statement praising me to the stars, he has yet again “fucked up the most intimate situation in the universe.” Now that is a catastrophe and a ruination and a snafu for him.
What makes men act in this peculiar fashion? The scarcity of single men of a certain age, the scarcity of handsome men of any age and women’s desperation. R gets away with this shoddy behaviour because he can – there is always new prey out there for him. The biggest plague he spreads is not the sexual diseases he may carry but the disastrous effects upon the women he comes in contact with. They are demoralized, they want a relationship – he does not. He wants somebody around when he is in heat, when he is horny. Some women think there is something wrong with them when he does not call back or show any consistent attention to them. No my dears, there is something wrong with him. It might get fixed if you did not run to him when he called and his “go to” list was extinguished but even that is not certain.
There lured within my apartment a section of the July 21, 2019 New York Times with an article written by Laura Hilgers: The Fantasy of a “No Drama Relationship. “ Perhaps that is what R was/is looking for. A guy on Hilgers’ date app said that he was “100 per cent dram-free” and demanded that any dates be the same way, “This guy was far from unusual. Guys are looking for no drama. Tinder statistics report that heterosexual men were three times more likely to use this phrase than heterosexual women. Gays use it far less. Hilgers examines this issue and grows to “suspect they want something that doesn’t exist: a problem-free partnership with someone who has no life experience. Are they looking for a woman who never gets angry or afraid or sad, who never worries about her family or struggles in you job? Who would want to be with such a person?” One guy demanded: No drama given or allowed. – this “implies an ability to control life that none of us possesses. Life is full of drama. I know I have experienced it.” Further, its hard to live for any time without facing something difficult, whether its financial problems, divorce or death. Some people call this ‘drama’ I call it LIFE.
Vanessa Valenti had a slightly different opinion. “I think it is pretty sexist. I think there are more unrealistic expectations put on women to be accommodating at all times in their relationships. She says if a man is saying no drama he actually signalling that they are incapable of witnessing and honouring another person’s feelings. If this grows into a precedent of an emotionless parter who has no needs? In her opinion it would create a culture of disastrous relationships. Dr. Mark Epstein, a New York psychiatrist, suggests that experiencing vulnerability makes people a better partner. I also wonder if people mean it when they say they’re looking for ‘no drama[‘ Imagine “Romeo and Juliet without the feuding future in-laws…. . Or Casablanca without the return of Ilsa’s husband, not to mention the Nazis who requested to Rick’s bar. Sometimes, love grows sweeter in contrast to the hardships.” Hilgers concludes by citing the agonies faced in our society but says that: “Other days are steeped in joy. The kind of partner I’d like shows up for it all.” Seems a good philosophy to me.
The jury is out on this one but perhaps there should be a guy in my life – sort of a main man. Personal Driver and I discussed the viability of searching for ’love’ in a different venue. I am following a different course so not to reenact R. And C, and B. To say nothing of J and A and J. The Presidio YMCA seems a good place to be meeting people, everyone is upbeat and normal and enthusiastic. The Asian Museum holds great promise and so does London, England. Off I go!.