The Setting: This rather has to be seen to believed. It is a sunny, windy day in San Francisco. Today is Fleet Week so supersonic jets fly overhead making commanding, deafening noises which are oddly reassuring. As the blog will later attest, I have been stood up and shall spend the day and the evening alone. Thank God For That. It is now afternoon following a memorable and precious morning beginning with Personal Driver driving me through San Francisco into the Presidio where I attended my first water aerobics class in months and then to the jacuzzi at the Presidio YMCA, where I am a recent member. It was sheer heaven , I felt fine and healthy and I danced away to the music played by the competent and lively teacher. I admit to silently sobbing twice – when Love Train sounded and then again when Just the Way You Are was intone Its meaning? Chant, intonate, sing, recite; rare cantillate. The lyrics will explain why I was moved by the later song, but Love Train, you knows?????.
Don’t go changing to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don’t imagine you’re too familiar
And I don’t see you anymore
I wouldn’t leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times; I’ll take the bad times
I’ll take you just the way you are
Don’t go trying some new fashion
Don’t change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care
I don’t want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are
No one noticed, my sobs I m sure! The women in the class were so friendly and fun, we laughed in class and afterwards in the jacuzzi. My first submersion since August 25, 2019. Needless to say, it was joyous because I am a water baby. Then Personal Driver drove back to my apartment after stopping at a Walgreen’s for a hot water bottle and other necessities. Then it was lunch, apartment cleaning and now listening to Motivational Classic, so energizing. But this is not going to be a positive blog and if you have been a guy in my life, it might be better not to read it.
Yesterday an email from friend Jennifer arrived. It was full of news of her life – very different from mine. She quilts, plans and dances at parties at her community centre and has fund raisers. She made a rug and attached a photo. She commends on my blog and portions of my life as revealed though private email to her.
She: Good evening my dear Alexis, So glad to hear that your knee is doing better except for some residual pain. Your plans for London sound great! How nice that you can stay at your favourite hotel. It makes a trip and visit so much more enjoyable when you don’t have to stress about where you’re staying! I liked the St. Francis prayer that you put on your blog. We used to say it as good little catholic kids, but I haven’t thought about it for decades. So no more C.? Sorry to hear that but then there will be a Joe, Mike or Jim somewhere around the corner. Just wait a minute or two. Don’t forget you’re a man magnet!
There was an immediate email response from yours truly.
“My God Woman you are amazing in so many ways. The rug is a true work of art – it is beautiful. And I do SO Love the idea of the Staying Alive title for the swinging party!! Actually a charity strip dance would be.a great money maker. Everyone would have to be super drunk but the plan is to have about five dancers and the ‘patrons’ would pay money to slowly disrobe the dancers. I will be a dancer – knee healed by then and I am about to start water aerobics, will be in shape. Of course, no phones or cameras would be allowed in the dance. It is fun to think about.
So this was dump week It was goodbye C. and then…who should reappear briefly but R. – remember him, the chef???? I will absolutely have to send you the text that began his reappearance. It is rather unbelievable. Anyway he was insisting on spending the weekend with me – insisting on the free parting privilege that comes with my place. I said – I am not committing to this but I will try to get a pass. He did not follow up with car details, but I was able to get it without the information. Still no word from him – so I sent a picture telling him that he god damn better show up. His response was unbelievable but to make a long story short he is not coming by tomorrow. I am relieved and instead shall start my water aerobics program at the Y and then hang out at the jacuzzi. I do not feel like doing it now but I will send you his beginning text, then his final and my final response to him.
So funny that you related to the Prayer – no idea why it kept going through my head but it is very beautiful and the sentiments profound, My improvement amazes everyone – everyone. But J. my incredibly handsome physical therapist says I will continue to have problems with swelling even in London but just to stay active and ice. I would love to take that guy home with me. He is so gentle in his actions and yet really motivates. C. In his vulgarity was suggesting the doggie position. I said I do not think so. So I asked J. – he said NO Doggie position maybe never. So I told C. and he gets all pushed out of shape saying you told J. that? Of course, said I, as he knows about knees and apparently knows the doggie position. I will ask for other positions that J. might recommend C. all jealous – a vulgar man who insists that he loves me. I am so tired of all of this so blocked him on Instagram. I am free of him
I am officially sleepy. Tomorrow I will send you R’s words and my words back. Two weeks from today I shall be on my way to London. WOW
So here is the text sent by a guy nicknamed R. Obviously I met him (on July 31, 2019) , an exceedingly handsome, rather funny 37 year old. We enjoyed one another’s company.
Hey Alexis . It is R. “I think I might have fucked up the most intimate situation in the universe. When I met u I was baffled by your infatuation. Now I am left yearning with (CENSORED). Please tell me you are out there.” A very long text message and a telephone call followed, . He insisted on visitation accompanied by free parking in the apartment garage – saying he would text with details about his car which would allow the issuance of the parking permit. He did not that night and was unresponsive to texts and calls, no further correspondence from him. Yesterday he finally texted.
He: You get mad when I don’t respond and you make crazy comments cause I’m busy and can’t reply. I don’t think that this is going to work.
Me: Sounds like you do not have time for me anyway. I guess it is good we found out early. Should I eat the overnight parking pass?
No response on his part but later I texted.
Me: The parking pass with mustard and relish was fantastic. Yummy!
I think I am going to blog this – without his first name. Please bring on the John Matthews, Alexis”
But in the clear light of day, I examined the men who have littered my life recently (my London and post London years) and to a man they have not been worthy. There have been eight of them (I think) who, in some form or fashion, declared their undying love and/or affection for me. But either betrayed me or placed me in a situation where it was either retain my self respect or give into their demands or way of life. The choice was self respect each and every time because if you cannot love yourself, you cannot love another. At that moment a phrase came to mind. “Do not cast your pearls before swine.” So, of course, it was necessary to locate the origin of this compelling phrase. It was the Bible, the New Testament.
Do not cast your pearls before swine. Do not waste good things on people who will not appreciate them. This proverb is adapted from a saying of Jesus from the Gospels, “Cast not pearls before swine.” Jesus appears to be warning his disciples to preach only before receptive audiences. Then from another sources came this. Do not waste good things on people who will not appreciate them. This proverb is adapted from a saying of Jesus from the Gospels, “Cast not pearls before swine.” Jesus appears to be warning his disciples to preach only before receptive audiences.”
So, to say the least, my date selection is a bit faulty. Unfortunately I do not have much faith in my ability to improve this trait. I am not going to change just the way I am, by the way. Maybe some day some guy might appreciate me. Not counting on it.
Two photographs accompany this blog. One, Jennifer’s beautiful rug, the other a vulgar one from the Icelandic comic. As you can see I am rather down on men at this moment.