Hitting your head against a brick wall is a profound phrase and concept which is coming to me at the moment and came to me at a meaningful moment in the Rex Whistler Restaurant in the Tate Britain in December of 2018. First of all, let us explore the concept. Google help is on the way: If you say that you are banging your head against a wall, you are emphasizing that you are frustrated because someone is stopping you from making progress in something. I would merely add that someone or SOMETHING is stopping you.
I was visiting London in December of 2018, it was my first return visit to the Rex Whistler and I was feeling the love – the love and support of the staff at that beloved and beautiful place. It came as a revelatory flash
Me: What am I doing living in Vancouver – it is like hitting my head against a brick wall.
Alter Ego: Stop crying! People will start worrying about you!
Me: OK I will. I do not want these precious people to worry.
But at that moment I determined to leave Vancouver. A mere two days later it was off to Sotheby’s Art Institute I went and was able for formulate a plan to get out of Vancouver. A student visa would expedite a return to London and freedom from Venomous Vancouver.
Guess what shall become the word of the day? Venomous: toxic, noxious, dangerous, harmful; deadly, lethal, death-dealing, life-threatening, fatal, mortal, terminal, killing; literary deathly, nocuous, mephitic; archaic baneful. Vancouver was toxic, dangerous, harmful and killing for several reasons. It was baneful because of the people, places and things there. It is the money laundering capital of the world, none of its Institutions work properly (except the Vancouver Public Library) , the people are by and large zombies whose lives (often consisting of three jobs to make ends meet) are dreadful and they face the knowledge that homelessness is a mere one percent raise in interest rates. There are of course exceptions – there are wonderful people there but I can name them on two hands and some of them are vamoosing as well. There are some I actually love – Amy, Vicky, Tracey, Mike, CPI, MHM, NAWN – to name a few but even they could not sustain me because the other evil forces intervened. The last vestige of Vancouver shall disappear today when I sever my ridiculously expensive phone plan with Virgin Mobile. I am free – the plans to transport my possessions are made and how I love what those folk have done for me.
The realization that one is hitting their head against a brick wall is necessary for change, for growth and for happiness. This knowledge came to me yesterday – the reasons behind it more complex and pervasive. It was suddenly made clear to me that narcissists have haunted my life, my entire life. They have taken different forms – my parents are/were, some relatives were/are, the men in my ‘romantic’ life, some friends both male and female. But they were everywhere. I have FINALLY divested myself of them in all forms. Now of course new narcissist appear but I am most quick to spot them. Most recently within thirty minutes of meeting one.
What does one do when faced with a narcissist? Ignore them and then get away quick and if they do something insulting do not take it personally or wonder why.
It is freeing to be away from them. You no longer wait for an email, for s call, for some form of recognition. Life is stress free and uncomplicated and a serenity descends. A definite PHEW. If some linger in your life you plan around them, knowing that they just might be a no show and when they disappoint you merely excise. . Excise shall be the other word of the day.
Excise used as a verb: : delete, cross out, cross through, strike out, score out, scratch out, cancel, put a line through, blue-pencil, ink out, edit out, blank out; erase, efface, take out, remove, cut out, cut, expunge, eliminate; expurgate, bowdlerize; informal axe, scrub, scrap, give something the chop.
So people can be expunged, eliminated and bowdlerized. You won’t miss them and, trust me, they will not miss you. You do not exist as a person with needs, desires, or feelings. You are handy at the moment but when your usefulness ends – you are discarded. My advice to you? Beat them to it – discard and erase first. Remember it shall be painless to all.
It looks like a beautiful day in Marin. I shall enjoy it to the fullest – I must get to it.
